Carly Fiorina Suggests New Mothers Feed Several Babies

““World Breastfeeding Week,” which ended on Friday, sought to normalize one of the most basic and natural functions of motherhood. But when it comes to the female breast and the various tasks it performs, things never fail to become inflammatory. The hoopla this time around centered on a 26-year-old woman from Australia, named Jessica Anne Colletti, who posted a photo on Facebook of herself breastfeeding her toddler and her friend’s toddler at the same time. Predictably, the photo took off on social media and proved to be very divisive.

“At the same time, new mothers in the United States are often forced to go back to work just a few weeks after having babies. That happens because the U.S. federal government, unlike any other country in the developed world, offers no provision for paid maternity leave. But, apparently, Carly Fiorina has a solution. If the former Hewlett-Packard CEO is elected president, she’ll simply fix the American economy, making it “so strong that employers are forced to compete for workers by offering better salaries, better leave policies, more time off, and good benefits,” she wrote in a blog post for the Huffington Post.

And how does she plan to do that? By taking a page from the book of the aforementioned Australian mother and centering the “new and improved” American economy on it. “I really don’t know how someone didn’t think of this before I did,” Fiorina told Newslo. “Actually, I do know: most politicians who make those decisions nowadays are men and they don’t give a rats as* about women’s rights. Well, I’d like to say to all the new mothers in America: Don’t worry ladies, I’m here and I will take care of you.”

Asked to elaborate on her new solution for the economy, Fiorina said: “It’s basically really simple: seeing all the hype that was caused by that Australian mom who was breastfeeding her own and her friend’s child at the same time made me think about whether we can turn that into something more here in America. I mean, we’ve always been at the forefront of innovations and I see no reason to stop doing that now.”

“Even though I might personally disagree with what she was doing,” the former HP CEO added, “I can certainly understand her intention to help her friend in a selfless manner. And that’s when it hit me – since we have so many difficulties with our economy, and not to mention our public health, maybe we can kill two birds with one stone and ask new moms who have no trouble breastfeeding to take on additional children whose moms aren’t so lucky and breastfeed them as well. And I’m not just talking sporadic cases – I’m talking large-scale breastfeeding operations, maybe even setting up breastfeeding farms.”

The Republican presidential hopeful went even further: “At first, this would be organized as a temporary way to allow new moms to make a few dollars on the side and at the same time help others by performing selfless acts. But, if there are any extreme cases, as I suspect there are likely to be – who knows, maybe we can even have moms who will do this as a career. It’s a perspective job, when you really look at it. And besides, considering how shameless young people are today, I don’t think there will even be any moral issues for youngsters here either.”