MSNBC Publishes Internal Offense-to-Suspension Chart

NEW YORK – After the suspension of Alec Baldwin for a homophobic tirade against a paparazzo, MSNBC has released their “Presenter Suspension Determinator” – an internal scale which dictates how long a presenter should be suspended for according to their actions.

Baldwin’s punishment was initially going to be four weeks, but Griffin decided to reduce the sentence when the 30 Rock star got his gay hairdresser to vouch for him on TMZ.

Phil Griffin – President of MSNBC and NBC News – noted that the chart has been used for years. “We extended Pat Buchanan’s suspension when he blamed a previous suspention on military gay rights groups and Van Jones. He knew attacking a high-profile black leads to an automatic seven months, so he had only himself to blame.”

Griffin also explaining that while political donations are on the list, the punishment can range anywhere from an indefinite suspension – as with Keith Olbermann – to a mere two days. “But only if your first name is found in the bible, such as Joe, and your last name is the fair mentioned in a Simon and Garfunkel song, like Scarborough.” Griffin acknowledged that while MSNBC’s suspension system could seem arbitrary to some, he was fine with it, particularly in the Olbermann case because “he’s kind of a di*k.”