NEW YORK — A recent study has led several prominent physicists to predict that MSNBC, the progressive cable news network, is at risk of collapsing within the next five years. The scientists warned the FCC and MSNBC executives that the network has leaned too far forward for far too long, and will eventually fall over.
Formed in 1996 via a partnership of NBC and Microsoft, MSNBC has provided news coverage with a progressive slant since mid-2007, acknowledging its political perspective in 2010 with the new slogan, “Lean Forward.” However, the newsgroup famous for leaning forward may, in fact, be leaning too much.
“It’s simple physics,” says Stephen Herman, a member of the team who conducted the study. “If you lean forward that much with such a weak foundation, you’re not going to stay upright for long.” Herman then clarified that “weak foundation” was a euphemism for “Hardball with Chris Matthews.” He also said that MSNBC clearly did not predict the extent of their forward-leaning when they formed their institution.
Herman and his team have warned MSNBC that if the foundations are not renovated with fair and balanced reinforcements, the network will topple over by the year 2018, causing millions in property damage, the deaths of hundreds of MSNBC personnel, and the irrevocable loss of Rachel Maddow’s custom-made Birkenstocks. The dismissal of famously left-leaning host Keith Olbermann was a step in the right direction, Herman says, but it might not be enough.
In a surprisingly magnanimous gesture, rival network Fox News has reportedly offered several of their own personalities to MSNBC to balance the network. “We are proud to announce some new, mildly back-leaning programming into our lineup,” MSNBC president Phil Griffin said in a press conference this morning. “Bill O’Reilly will be a guest on ‘Hardball,’ where he and Chris Matthews will share notes on how to talk down guests and yell over any objections they might have.” Additionally, Griffin plans to have Rush Limbaugh appear on “News Nation with Tamron Hall,” where hopefully Limbaugh will accuse the African-American Hall of “exaggerating slavery or being a part of the black Illuminati with Beyonce and Oprah.”
Griffin also claims that a plan to bring back Michael Savage is in the works. The new talk show, Savage’s first for the network since “The Savage Nation” was cancelled in 2003, will reportedly be called “Sodomite Pigs Who Get AIDS and Die.” Griffin says that Savage will invite four homosexual guests to come onto the show every episode, then berate them for fifteen minutes each. Viewers will also be encouraged to call the show and join in on the relentless gay-bashing.
“Sure, it’s a change,” Griffin says. “But it’s necessary in order to keep us from toppling. This will, in the long run allow us to keep leaning forward for years to come. That’s what we’re famous for, after all!”
