MTA Rolls Out Crime-Ridden Vintage Subway Trains

NEW YORK – Metropolitan Transit Authority President Joe Lhota announced today that vintage subway trains from the ‘70s and ‘80s—complete with the experience of pervasive crime and urban decay that the subway system symbolized—will be put back into service this month as a holiday gift to all New Yorkers.

At a press conference inside the Times Square station, Lhota introduced Fleabag Jimmy, one of the many local vagrants who will add authentic flavor to the retro trains.

“Our customers are accustomed to having us transport them from Point A to Point B. But thanks to an army of genuine street-toughs and junkies like Jimmy, we will also be able to transport them back in time. Right Jimmy?”

Fleabag Jimmy then stabbed Lhota in the kidneys and stole his wallet before fleeing on foot.

Other amenities on the throwback trains include unreliable service, incomprehensible announcements from the conductor, and hand-drawn graffiti covering all visible surfaces of the car.

Bronx native Maureen Jameson, 47, greeted the announcement with enthusiasm as she rode a vintage 1978, litter-strewn A train. “I think it’s a great way to reconnect with our past. It makes me nostalgic for the time I got my purse snatched coming home from school. Always fun to visit the past every once in a while.”

“OUCH – damnit!” she added after sitting down on a used hypodermic needle.

The 2nd Avenue station will also take part in the retro craze, and has scheduled for three tourists to be ceremonially mugged next week.