WASHINGTON – During a recent panel discussion last week, NASA scientists predicted that humanity would discover alien life within the next 20 years, and that, yes, we will probably be able to have sex with it.
The panel was composed of today’s top astronomical thought leaders. Former astronaut and NASA Administrator Charles Bolden, NASA’s chief scientist Ellen Stofan, NASA’s associate administrator John Grunsfeld, Senior Project Scientist John Mather, and Dave Gallagher, director of astronomy and physics at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory all expressed confidence that within our lifetimes we would be able to once and for all prove we are not alone in this universe, and if we play our cards right, maybe even have real-life sex with something resembling Jabba’s slave girl from Star Wars, Leela from Futurama, or hell, even E.T.
The road to finding an extraterrestrial race capable of being seduced (or “astrostrange”) has been long and arduous. It all started with the launch of the Hubble Space Telescope in 1990, the year when NASA Scientists first started postulating that sexually engaging creatures with green skin, eight tentacles, and three moist, gyrating mouths might go from a dream you’re only allowed to write about in your alien-sex fan fiction to a cold hard reality.
The next major tool, the Kepler Space Telescope, looked for planets by detecting dips in the brightness of a star as a planet crossed in front of its light, and has been said to be instrumental in the search for fuckable alien life.
“Finding life in the depths of the universe is the most critical mission for humanity and one that I believe will be completed within our lifetimes,” said MIT astrobiologist and NASA Director Emeritus Nigel Rifkin. “We’re talking about alien vaginas with little eight fingered hands inside those vaginas that can jerk you off while you’re having intercourse. I know this sounds like something you’d only find in the far corners of a Japanese anime store, but this is all soon becoming scientific fact.”
NASA’s next high-powered tool in the search to find alien men with organic clitoral vibrators attached to their shape-shifting and delightfully ribbed penises is the James Webb Space Telescope which is set to be launched in 2018. The device is 6.5 meters long and will aid scientists in deducing whether any of the billions of planets in our galaxy have the precise chemical fingerprint to suggest they may contain life. Specifically they are searching for atmospheric gases that could only be created by living beings.
“Just imagine the moment when we find potential signatures of life,” Matt Mountain, director of the Space Telescope Science Institute in Baltimore, said at the announcement. “Imagine the moment when the world wakes up and the human race realizes that its long loneliness in time and space may be over. Now imagine going to a bar in the Alpha Centauri star system, having a couple of more drinks than you’re used to, and waking up next to an enthusiastic gaggle of aliens that are 85 percent mouth and survive solely off energy emitted from the human orgasm. Creatures that can pleasure you in ways that are, excuse my pun, out of this world. The human race’s loneliness in not being able to have sex with something that looks like one of George Lucas’ wet dreams may finally be over.”