WASHINGTON — In the wake of the presidential election, Americans across the nation prepared to breathe a sigh of relief together. Many felt secure, for the first time in months, that they could turn on their televisions or use the internet without being viciously and mercilessly assaulted by politics. Unfortunately for those naive, almost tenderly hopeful Americans, Election 2016 coverage has already began. Thousands of already exhausted individuals are exhibiting acute stress responses to any mention of 2016, and many have developed severe aversions to politics and media in general.
CNN unveiled its new IMAX 2016 3-D Election Dome on November 18th, which will start showing results in about 207 weeks. In a sample audience of 100 viewers monitored by CNN, 78 viewers displayed a deep-seated revulsion they had developed towards politics. Forty of the respondents cried openly upon being subjected to the coverage, while six of them began screaming uncontrollably to block out the sound. Twelve others vomited, and two passed out midway through. About half the viewers trembled visibly for several minutes after the broadcast. One man seemed aroused.
Fox News has promised to begin warning viewers before talking about the 2016 race in an effort to limit psychological damage. To this end, the network plays an alarm sound to introduce election coverage that is twice as loud as the alarm sound it normally uses for that purpose.
Reports have come in that even household dogs are exhibiting symptoms of high-level stress when the media tries to force-feed election coverage.
“We used to leave the TV on for our Labrador, Barney, so he wouldn’t feel lonely while we were at work,” says media-blitzed American Richard Ball. “But now he hits the off button with his nose the minute I’m out of the room.”
Experts are beginning to agree that the stress-responses seem to follow certain trigger words like ‘election,’ ‘political,’ and ‘Florida.’ Despite warnings from public health advocates, news organizations vow to continue finding subversive and creative ways to capitalize on the election season until no viewers are left.
