WASHINGTON — Americans are expressing shock and amazement at the revelation that a number of Republican Senators may actually care more about the people they represent than they do about Americans for Tax Reform founder and president Grover Norquist.
“It just doesn’t seem possible,” said registered Republican Reginald Black of Tucson, Arizona. “I’m a nobody. Just some dumb, middle-class voter with dreams of a better life. Why would they care what I think? I need to sit down.”
The stunning turn of events began when Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) suggested that he was perhaps open to maybe, possibly, sort of, almost closing some minor, insignificant, you’ll-barely-notice-they’re-gone tax loopholes in order to save the country from financial ruin. This move would go against the no-tax pledge he signed 20 years ago at the well-oiled feet of lobbyist Norquist.
When asked about breaking the pledge, Chambliss was quoted as saying, “I care too much about my country. I care a lot more about it than I do Grover Norquist.” He then added, “This won’t get back to him, right? You’re not recording this?”
Tennessee Senator Bob Corker piled on when speaking to CBS’s Charlie Rose. “I’m not obligated to the pledge,” he said. “And if Grover Norquist has a problem with that, I have six years to grovel for his forgiveness before I go up for re-election. I’m not sweating it.”
Norquist, who famously once said he wanted to shrink government until he could ‘drown it in a bathtub,’ is not taking the growing rebellion lightly. Chambliss’ rebuke in particular seems to have stung him.
“He is as clumsy as he is stupid,” Norquist said in a deep, booming voice between mechanical rasps of breath. “Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate him.” To that end, Norquist is already reportedly trolling trailer parks and bowling alleys in search of possible Tea Party candidates to challenge dissenting Republicans.
Some allies have advised Norquist to be flexible with his tax pledge as the government races toward the ‘fiscal cliff.’
“The more you tighten your grip, the more Senators will slip through your fingers,” once-relevant Republican Newt Gingrich told Norquist at a recent event.
Norquist reportedly replied, “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”
Despite Norquist’s public confidence in the solvency of his tax pledge and Republicans’ allegiance to his empire, cracks are evident, leaving Americans to struggle to adapt to this new paradigm.
“Learning that Republicans care about ordinary citizens is like learning Darth Vader is Luke’s father,” said Ernie White of Palm Springs. “I’m utterly flabbergasted. What are they going to say next? That Obama was born in America? I just don’t know if I can live in a world where Republicans aren’t crazy.”