THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – Less than a week after a congressional impasse over the budget shut down the federal government, the citizens of the United States of America have initiated the process of suing Congress for breach of contract, specifically citing its repeated failures to govern and its all-around, stunning incompetence. If successful, the lawsuit could cost Congress hundreds of millions of dollars, and will, according to Americans, “teach those idiots how to get something done.”
Experts say that this will be the first time an entire nation has filed suit against its own elected leaders, but predict that “things won’t end well for Congress.”
“The American people have a very strong case,” said Lawrence A. Tribe of the Harvard School of Law. “Article I of the Constitution says that ‘all legislative Powers herein granted shall be vested in a Congress of the United States’—the key word being ‘legislative.’ Most scholars interpret this to mean that Congress should pass laws, rather than block up the process like a steak dinner with a side of cheese.”
Paul Johnson, 43, a resident of Kent, Ohio, said he decided to join the class-action lawsuit along with his 314 million fellow Americans because “Congress broke its pact.” “We had an agreement,” Johnson said. “We give these guys—and gals—cushy jobs on Capitol Hill, and all they have to do is actually do something once in a while, and avoid screwing up so badly they break the government.”
“They have failed incredibly,” Johnson said. “And now they’re going to pay.”
Some lawmakers—as they still insist on being called—have indicated that they’d like to settle the matter out of court. “We’re clearly at fault here,” said Rep. Chet Edwards (D-Texas). “We’ve passed fewer laws than any congress in American history. It’s time we own up to our worthlessness.”
Others, however, plan on fighting the suit “to the death.” “This lawsuit is complete malarkey,” said Senator Mike Lee (R-Utah) “If the American people want laws and government, why don’t they all move to China? Seriously, go ahead America. We’ll be fine here without you.”
Sen. Lee said that he’s shopping around for lawyers, and indicated that he’s “very tight” with a certain constitutional law professor from the University of Chicago, but would not reveal a name.
The lawsuit—which must be filed within ten days, before federal courts close as a result of the shutdown—seeks damages equivalent to the amount the shutdown will cost the economy, estimated at $300 million a day.
Johnson says that the American people intend to use the money to repair roads and bridges, as well as strengthen research and education. “In other words,” Johnson said, “we’ll be acting like real Congressmen.”