CHICAGO — The American Medical Association has finally declared a victory against the seemingly insurmountable obesity epidemic plaguing the United States. Almost on the verge of accepting defeat, the nation’s top physicians stumbled upon a revolutionary breakthrough: changing what doctors consider “obese.”
Currently, the most widely used method of determining obesity is the Body Mass Index (BMI), which can be correctly found by dividing a patient’s weight in pounds by their squared height in inches, or incorrectly found by using the metric system, Eurotrash.
“Previously, a BMI of 25-29.9 was considered overweight, 30-34.9 was considered Class I obesity, 35-39.9 was considered Class II obesity, and anything over 40 was considered delicious. The solution had been staring us in the face the whole time: there’s just too many ways for someone to be considered obese,” said one doctor between bites of KFC’s Double Down. “By turning obesity into an almost preposterous feat found only in theory or the lines at Six Flags, the country’s 78 million bloated mounds of fat masquerading as human adults suddenly become 78 million harmless food-enthusiasts.”
This complete upheaval of the weight-management world has been met with pudgy, open arms. General physicians have been widely accepting of the increased standard. “My Hippocratic oath tells me no, but my broken spirit after years of arguing with oblivious parents about their massive children tells me yes,” one doctor told Newslo.
While there has presently been no research into the potential health risks of the change, Americans are enjoying a surge in both positive body image and butter stock.