Nation’s Sense of Justice Let Down by Ariel Castro’s Suicide

COLUMBUS, Ohio—America’s sense of justice was heartbroken to find out convicted rapist and murderer Ariel Castro was found dead in his jail cell from an apparent suicide. Castro was sentenced to life plus 1,000 years for kidnapping and raping Amanda Berry, Michelle Knight and Gina DeJesus, who were held captive in Castro’s Cleveland home for more than a decade.

“Just last month I told him his hell was only beginning,” said Michelle Knight, the only one of Castro’s victims to testify on her own behalf. “Now just like that his hell is over. Unless hell is actually real and he went straight there, I feel cheated.”

“I think I can speak for the rest of America when I say that I’m devastated,” declared Cuyahoga County Prosecutor Timothy J. McGinty. “Where’s the sense of justice? My children—maybe even my children’s children—could have enjoyed his jail sentence for a long time, but he just checked out like a sissy.”

“First Zimmerman got away, and now this,” sighed Jon Poe, formerly a neighbor of Castro’s. “It sets a bad example—like, ‘Oh, I’m gonna do whatever I want and then just kill myself.’ What a rip-off. He deserved to rot,” ranted Poe.

Prison medical staff tried to revive Castro, but he was soon pronounced dead at the Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center. “Believe me, we worked our asses trying to save that son of a bitch,” said EMT Trent Bien. “It’s too bad. I really thought he might be able to serve the full 1,000 years, what with technology and all.”