SOCHI, Russia – “We are really just out of ideas,” said an unnamed NBC executive. “Without those Cold War-era tensions, we simply have no clue how to get Americans to care about women’s ski jump.”
The NBC executive was referring to the company’s new bold strategy of backing a Soviet coup d’état in Russia, a move intended to help NBC recover from the Olympics’ mediocre ratings. While the games are roughly comparable in viewership to the 2006 games in Turin, there has been a significant dip in ratings compared to the 2010 Vancouver games.
While a portion of the ratings dip can be attributed to the stark time zone difference between Sochi and major American media markets, NBC believes the problem runs deeper. The network hopes that the focus of the games will move away from the spirit of international cooperation that has dominated the Olympics for the last twenty years and return them to an athletic proxy war.
As a leaked NBC memo put it, “if we are ever going to compete with Comedy Central, the games need to remind Americans that every gold medal proves their superiority and every Soviet win is an existential threat to humanity.”
“At first we were laughed at the idea,” said Dimitri Kristov, a disgruntled Russian general leading the coup. “But with $11 billion in aid from NBC, the Soviet Resurgent Alliance now really does have a chance to unseat that greedy capitalist bastard Putin.” This is on top of the $775 million NBC was said already to have paid for TV rights to the Winter Olympics.
NBC’s assistance, however, did not come without preconditions. The Alliance promised the “Peacock network” that it would invest heavily in the new Soviet Olympic Program, put pictures of Stalin on the Soviet hockey sweaters, and take offensive unilateral action before every Olympiad.