NC Gov. Suggests “Buying Each Transgender Person Their Own Catheter”

The North Carolina state legislature is poised to transfer $500,000 from the state’s disaster relief fund to aid in the legal defense of HB2, the heavily criticized law restricting restroom access, WRAL-TV reported. “The governor asked for it,” said state Senate Budget Chair Harry Brown (R). The funding was provided as part of a “technical corrections” bill added to another measure, House Bill 805, on Thursday, following the passage of the $22.34 billion state budget.

North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory (R-NC) commented on the decision for WRAL-TV. “I am very happy with the fact that we will now be more equipped to fight for what’s right in the state of North Carolina,” McCrory stated, adding that “even though many would like us to back down and not push forward with the latest legislation regarding transgender people and bathrooms. That’s not how we do things here.”

“However,” he continued, “since the economy has not yet returned to its full potential, I’m afraid more cuts lie ahead. In fact, out of the $500,000 that we have just received, I’m worried that only a part of that will be used for its initial purpose. The rest will have to be used to plug other leaks, if you know what I mean.”

Asked to elaborate, McCrory said that “the anti-legislation lobby is growing stronger by the day, so much so, in fact, that the law is in jeopardy of being changed. And that could potentially have significant consequences on the future of traditional Americans living in North Carolina. We might have won the battle, but the war is still raging. Therefore, we have to do everything it takes to make sure transgender people continue using bathrooms according to their birth gender.”

“Though, if you ask me, I’d go about it another way,” he said almost silently for himself. Asked to explain, the North Carolina Governor said that “considering the state of things, it would probably be less expensive to just order a bunch of catheters from a private contractor and pass them out to transgender people who don’t feel they should be using their own bathroom. I mean, it would solve the problem in a couple of weeks, plus we wouldn’t have to worry about the legislation anymore. Everybody would be able to live happily ever after.”

“It’s simple – if you have your own catheter, there’s no need to go to a bathroom while you’re outside, and that was the whole point of the law that was so heavily criticized. If you don’t have to go to the bathroom, then there’s no need to be unhappy with it. Just do your thing and go about your business, then just empty the catheter when you get back to your home, and problem solved. I just can’t believe we didn’t think of that sooner,” McCrory added.

“Besides,” he said, “catheters might even have some added benefits. For example, you know how most guys don’t really have a habit of washing their hands after using the men’s room? Well, with a catheter, they wouldn’t have the need to, so we might also end up saving money on hospital bills, too. It’s a win-win situation.”