NCAA Cancels Student’s Birthday Party, Eats All the Cake

EUGENE, Or. – NCAA President Mark Emmert has been slammed by University of Oregon wide receiver Josh Huff after the organization canceled Huff’s birthday party. Huff, a senior, says that Emmert and other NCAA officials subsequently visited the university’s campus to eat all the birthday cakes he had bought for the party and opened all of his presents.

Emmert defended his actions, claiming that he just “didn’t want the cake to go to waste,” although he did later acknowledge that he “loved red velvet [and] wasn’t sorry to have to help out with that, although I know my hips are going to regret it.”

The NCAA canceled the party because Huff was charging money for attendance—a violation of student-athlete rules. Student athlete’s earning money through their positions has long been a bone of contention, with Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel being suspended for half a game after selling his autograph to a broker. Earlier this year, Electronic Arts scrapped plans for a 2014 edition of their NCAA football series after legal wrangling over the use of college athletes’ names and likenesses.

Emmert and other officials from the NCAA noted that they were excited to discover that Huff’s presents included an iPhone 5S and an Amazon gift card, and explained that such presents would have to be confiscated for further investigation. “You can’t be too careful,” Emmert said, adding that his wife wanting an iPhone 5S and Amazon gift card was completely coincidental. Emmert also stated that this concern for a thorough investigation was the reason he beat open Huff’s Optimus Prime piñata.

“I understand why Josh is upset about the situation,” Emmert said, “but I didn’t think he’d take to Twitter in a huff—pun definitely intended.”