TEL AVIV — After less than a week of peace in the Middle East, Israel has reignited tensions in the region by admitting the nation’s recent conflict with Palestine was merely a dress rehearsal for a full-on war with Iran.
In a press conference this morning, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu described the rehearsal as an overall success. “Did some of us forget our lines or miss a cue or accidentally kill a foreign journalist and his family? Sure,” said the prime minister. “Mistakes were made, but we’ll be ready opening night for Iran.”
But many in the international community have questioned why the Hebrew homeland would switch its focus at this critical juncture. “There’s an arc to this thing,” explains Israeli set-designer and war-eographer Moshe Meir. “Rocky doesn’t just spend the movie beating up delinquents for the mob. He steps up and takes on the champ. You have to escalate in this business if you want respect.”
Critics of Israel’s saber-rattling have attempted to highlight the human costs of war in an attempt to forestall armed conflict with Iran. But civilian casualties have not dissuaded Netanyahu and the hawks in the Knesset.
“It seems like every time we rain bombs on Palestine, people can only think of the overwhelming number of civilian deaths,” complained Netanyahu during an interview with the Associated Press. “They don’t mention all of the children we don’t bomb. Is anyone thanking us for leaving their children alive? I don’t want to blame that on anti-Semitism, but if the shoe fits…”
Military insiders insist an attack on Palestine was essential to calibrate new equipment, most of it generously donated by the American government. “America has been and continues to be a friend to Israel,” says Mossad spokesman Shalom Roshman. “And there are plenty of benefits. I guess that makes us friends with benefits.”
Added Roshman, “Consider this your 3 A.M. text, America. We’ve got a war-boner, so come on over and help us out.”
The practice war also served as a live-fire test of Israel’s missile defense shield, the Iron Dome, which successfully deflected 84-percent of incoming rockets and reduced the death toll in Israel to a mere half-dozen. “It’s just good to know that during the most brutal fiscal crisis in a century,” Netanyahu says, “the United States could still put up the hundreds of millions of dollars to fund this dream. It’s a good thing they don’t have a use for all this money at home.”
But foreign observers are warning Palestinians to remain on guard. “If Israel needed a warm-up,” says Al-Jazeera correspondent Raheem Aslan, “I wouldn’t be surprised to see a cool-down invasion after Iran. Gotta stay limber. All I’m saying is don’t go returning your neighbor’s rubble shovel just yet.”