Progressive voices rang true recently as Washington has decided to put a female’s face on the new ten-dollar bills. This step forward in equality was then promptly met with one back, as reports are just now breaking that the new bill will only be worth 70% of it’s original value, effectively creating a unit of paper currency worth seven dollars, although we are still being adamantly persuaded to refer to it as the “ten dollar bill”.
“This has nothing to do with the bill having a woman on it. We just believe that this bill might not be as effective as a ten dollar bill, what with it’s bright green color and raging hormones,” comments Treasury Secretary Jack Lew, who described the new bills as “weaker, but I’m not blaming them for it, that’s just how they’re made.” In addition, while the economical value of the bill will technically be seven dollars, Secretary Lew insists that we simply imagine the ten’s on the bill as real, despite only being able to buy seven sodas with it. “You can still do a lot with it, but I’d suggest also carrying around a nice twenty in your pocket, just in case things get serious.”
“If you take into account all the time ten dollar bills spend in your wallet, laying around watching Oprah or what have you, then it’ll probably equal out to seven anyway,” reported Fox News anchor Danny Damperson when breaking the story in a segment he called “Currency or Currencshe?” In the segment, Danny interviewed many twenty dollar bills, as well as money analysis Paul Malt, who suggested maybe the new “ten dollar bill” should present itself nicer, maybe get it’s font redone, and a new coat of ink wouldn’t hurt anyone. Also joining them was math professor Frank Beckerd, who went on to claim that seven actually mathematically equal to ten. No word yet has come in on what this means for basic arithmetic the world over, although plans to change the ten-dollar bill to a 13-cent coin have already begun.