New Finding Says Americans are Entitled to Civil Rights, ‘If the Majority Feels Like it’

WASHINGTON — According to a little known codicil recently uncovered by Constitutional scholars, the Bill of Rights actually states that ‘all individuals are entitled to the unalienable rights of Life, Liberty & the Pursuit of Happiness…if the majority of Americans feel like bestowing these attributes upon them.’

The heretofore undiscovered passage was drafted on an original copy of the Bill of Rights located in the Library of Congress, where researcher Lewis Ford discovered it underneath a lambskin prophylactic adhered to the parchment.  “I can see why no one would touch that thing for centuries” he said while administering a healthy amount of Purell to his hands.  “It was probably [Benjamin] Franklin’s. “

The finding, Ford claims, offers a fresh perspective on the nature of our civil liberties.  “Though we have operated as if the Founding Fathers wished for a society built upon the twin bedrocks of the rule of law and individual freedom, it now seems they preferred the emotional caprice of mob rule.”

The new clause has also interrupted the recent same-sex marriage hearings at the Supreme Court, with most members now agreeing that civil rights matters have no place in the courts .  “Why are we even arguing this case?” wondered Justice Antonin Scalia.  “It’s now apparent that the Framers meant for the right of two people to enter a loving, legal union should be decided in the same way, say, an American Idol is selected.  Right, Clarence?

Justice Clarence Thomas silently nodded in agreement while doodling.

Many states have now taken the opportunity to ‘give the people back their voice’.  Yesterday, Mississippi announced a series of referendums which would allow the citizenry to define marriage as they see it, roll back the Voting Rights Act, and repeal the 13th Amendment, whichoutlawed slavery.  “It’s time for the Washington bureaucrats to step aside and let the people of the great state of Mississippi decide for themselves who has the right to marry whom, or employ whom, or own whom” said Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant.

“Well, it’s up to some of the people” he added.

He also urged other states to move quickly on this matter, as demographic trends predict whites will be a minority in the US by 2043.

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  • Avatar of Wayne Rizor
    Wayne Rizor
    Posted April 2, 2013 at 9:36 am 0Likes

    Is not a “lambskin prophylactic” simply a 18th century form of “whiteout”? Since this statement appears on none of the other original documents this statement simply represents an early “marked up” and corrected document. So the statement “if the majority of Americans feel like bestowing these attributes upon them.” has no bearing on the founders final document. So this “news” is simply a racists attempt to justify his beliefs to an audience of poorly educated listeners.

    • Avatar of Pamela Volentine
      Pamela Volentine
      Posted April 11, 2013 at 4:02 pm 0Likes

      um, this whole website is satire.

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