New Hess Truck Features Real Oven, Flamethrowers

WOODBRIDGE, N.J. — In an effort to fulfill its promise that the new Hess toy truck will be “better than ever,” the Hess Corporation has introduced revolutionary features for the 2012 model, including three authentic noises and a highly volatile weapons system.

Buzz for the 2012 Hess truck began developing in November, when news leaked that this year’s edition would be a life-size truck with a working oven, real flamethrowers and heavy-duty treads in place of plastic wheels.

Ever since the 2006 edition included a helipad, the toy manufacturer has struggled to top its previous efforts with each holiday season. Infamously, the last installment of the Hess toy truck was coated in aluminum, severely sacrificing its defensive capabilities for the sake of mobility. The 2012 truck instead uses one-inch thick, heat-resistant steel plating.

“We’re very excited to introduce this year’s Hess truck, a model that we feel truly lives up to the ambition and appreciation for quality that generations of Americans have come to expect,” said Rick Lawlor, Vice President of Retail Marketing at Hess, in a November press release. “This toy will bring joy to children across the nation, nostalgia to their parents, and enough firepower to challenge the military strength of most sovereign nations.”

While the Hess Corporation guarantees that its new toy truck makes for “the perfect holiday gift,” it also advises parents to supervise their children during playtime, as the ammunition for the M43 anti-aircraft turrets is a potential choking hazard.