New Law Allows Doctors to Enter Home and Perform Colonoscopy without Permission

WASHINGTON — The Senate Judiciary Committee passed new legislation yesterday that allows doctors to break into patients’ homes and perform colonoscopies on any member of the household without permission. The legislation says that doctors can perform colonoscopies on as many family members as they deem necessary, and lubrication is not required.

The measure was quietly bundled with revisions to the 1986 Electronic Communications Privacy Act to avoid unwanted scrutiny.  The bill is expected to breeze through both the House and Senate without being noticed by the mainstream media.

“As soon as everybody saw the word ‘doctor,’ they skipped right over the next few pages,” said the bill’s sponsor, Sen. Roger Wicker, R-AL. “Everybody is so worried about Facebook, text messages and email privacy that they completely missed out on this provision. Needless to say, next year is going to be crazy. Sleep with your cheeks clinched.”

The legislation comes amidst a plethora of legal concerns surrounding personal privacy. In Detroit, reporters are using personal aerial drones to produce investigative articles. After the Patraeus scandal, the Senate proposed a bill that would allow law enforcement to access emails and any other digital files without permission. Last week Facebook made Data Use Policy changes that outraged millions of its users. And just this week, the Major Cities Chiefs Police Association requested that Congress allow law enforcement to retain and access a log of users’ text messages for up to two years.

After hearing of the recent privacy changes, the estate of George Orwell announced it was officially changing “1984’s” dystopian warning, “Big Brother is Watching” to “Big Brother is up Your Ass.”