New Mexico Prisons Raffle Off Conjugal Visits to Save Money

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. – Toning down his earlier decision to completely banish conjugal visits in New Mexico prisons because of funding issues, New Mexico Corrections Secretary Gregg Marcantel today announced that the state’s prisons will continue to allow conjugal visits, but only under the condition that the prisoners earn them through a weekly $1-per-inmate raffle.

Per the official rules, any prisoner who wishes to wine, dine, or fornicate with his significant other will pay roughly 50% of his weekly stipend to enter his name into the contest. If chosen, the lucky inmate will be given the keys to a “sex trailer” behind cell block D to spend the night with his lover.

Marcantel explained that his change of conscience regarding the conjugal visit policy came after he got a “little somethin’-somethin’ from [his] wife.”

“We’re all men here, right?” commented Marcantel. “Who am I to deprive these prisoners of a night of wonderful romance, vicious role-play, or casual exchange of contraband without a little compromise?”

The raffle is estimated to generate upward of $3,000 per week, which, according to Marcantel, will help defray the cost for room and board and any necessary cleaning supplies—such as bleach and brillo pads—associated with the weekly conjugal visit. Prior to Marcantel’s bold move, conjugal visits cost New Mexico upward of $120,000 per year.

“Taking into account the raffle funds and the operational costs, we’ll net $36,000 every year,” said Marcantel. “It’s a win-win. Except for the poor souls who’ll suffer the wrath of the raffle losers in the showers, I guess.”

Alex Tomlin, a spokesman for the New Mexico Department of Corrections, is on board with the new system, primarily because it will allay ongoing concerns of pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, and contraband, which are all associated with conjugal visits in New Mexico prisons.

“Instead of one conjugal visit per night, our prisons will only have one per week,” said Tomlin. “So basically, instead of our rooms being a Petri dish on steroids, they’ll be on par with a standard Howard Johnson hotel room in Albuquerque.”