New Rutgers AD Fitting in Beautifully

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. – Amidst an environment of incompetence, deceit, abuse and naked self-preservation, sources say that new Rutgers Athletic Director Julie Hermann is fitting in beautifully.

School President Robert Barchi told reporters today that while it is apparent that Hermann, who called her players ‘whores, alcoholics, and mentally disabled’ when she served as the University of Tennessee as Women’s Volleyball coach, may have been “a bit gruff,” her fiery moxie was the kind of leadership Rutgers had been lacking in any of their coaches since Matt Rice patrolled the sidelines for the men’s basketball team. Rice had been fired in April of this year for verbally and physically abusing his players.

When told that this story was getting national attention, and may even attract the wrath of Gov. Chris Christie, Barchi was quick to state, “Now that I think about it, someone else is responsible for … whatever it is we’re talking about.” He then ran away.

Rutgers had hired the renowned Parker Executive Search Firm, an outside agency specializing in corporate headhunting, to assist in the search for the new AD. At some point in the process however, Hermann’s name — even though she had not been vetted — “appeared magically,” according to a source who asked not to be identified and “certainly isn’t responsible for this mess.”

Search committee co-chair Kathleen Sweeney explained that when they heard of Hermann’s bullying of her own players, and later threatening an assistant in Louisville to not get pregnant — on a video recorded during the assistant’s wedding — it was a match made in Heaven.

“That’s the sort of ill-conceived, petty bullying people expect from the state university of New Jersey.”

Though this is the latest athletic scandal to engulf the school, just as it makes its move to join the Big Ten Conference, NCAA President Mark Emmert sees no reason to intervene. “What is becoming evident is that Rutgers University has, on the leadership level, exhibited a clear pattern of abusing and exploiting its student-athletes for the sole advancement of the administration. Frankly, I cannot think of any other pattern of behavior that better exemplifies the NCAA.”