HOLLYWOOD — Experts on the ancient Mayan culture of Central America have confirmed what has long been feared, that the world will come to an end on December 21, 2012 due to the release of the new Tom Cruise movie, Jack Reacher.
“The prophecy is very specific,” said Mark Van Stone, Mayan expert and Professor of Art History at Southwestern College in San Diego. “The instant that damn Cruise movie opens nationwide, we’re screwed.”
While most have heard that the Mayan calendar ends on 12/21/12, the mechanism that brings about the end of the world was unknown until recently, when a Mayan stela (stone monument) was unearthed in northern Belize. The Crazy Man Stela, as it’s known, explains that the world will end when a “Crazy Chair Dancer following the Teachings of the Shaman of Star Tales” performs a worldwide ceremony wherein he “Reaches for Relevance.”
“Hard to argue with the interpretation,” said David Stuart of the University of Texas. “Especially when you plug in the whole ‘jumping on Oprah’s sofa’ bit into the equation.”
Exactly how the nationwide launch of Jack Reacher brings about the end of the world is still a topic of heated debate. Theories include a publicity stunt which goes horribly wrong, the predictability of the film causing mass riots, or the film’s release triggering a Scientology-related doomsday scenario.
“It’s common knowledge that Cruise is the Anointed One in Scientology lore,” said Rotten Tomatoes Editor-In-Chief Matt Atchity. “Jack Reacher is the End Game of a carefully thought out plan where each successive Cruise film has been made to fulfill requirements needed to bring about the Final Cleansing of mankind. How else do you explain Knight and Day?”