New World Order to Give Alex Jones a Raise

EVERYWHERE & NOWHERE — In light of his performance on the BBC’s “Sunday Politics,” during which he decried the existence of the annual Bilderberg Economic Conference, and described it as further proof of an international cabal scheming to create a “One World Government,” said cabal, known by detractors as the New World Order, has decided to give spokesman-cum-decoy Alex Jones a raise.

“He really has been outdoing himself,” said Baron John de Rothschild, British financier and representative of the moneyed interests of international Jewry within the New World Order. “Alex puts in a lot of long hours – making a spectacle of himself in public to throw people off the scent, disseminating our real agenda so we can take perverse pleasure in saying ‘We told you so’ when we take over the world, and making sure we remember birthdays and anniversaries. It’s high time we acknowledge his efforts.”

In addition to last weekend’s performance, Jones has been burning the candle at both ends recently, claiming that the recent spate of devastating tornadoes in Oklahoma were triggered by the U.S. government’s HAARP antennae station in Alaska. The clandestine agent also organized a petition to deport CNN host Piers Morgan for “undermining the Bill of Rights,” and has insisted that the Boston Marathon bombings were a “false flag” operation designed by the government to rein in civil liberties.

The fruits of Jones’ labor are not only appreciated by the current members of the New World Order, but also by the next generation of super-elites. “We stand on the shoulders of giants,” said Lanford G. Whittaker IV, a senior at Yale University and member of the Skull & Bones society. “When the order of Great Seers takes our rightful place at the top of humanity, Alex’s ability to turn the signs of our rising dominance into late-night punch lines will have made the transition all the smoother.”

“For the time being,” announced International Order of the Freemasons treasurer and former Fox News personality Glenn Beck, Jones will receive his raise in Bitcoin and gold until the New World Order has formally established its new currency. “No sense in giving him U.S. dollars,” Beck said. “They’re just going to be obsolete in a couple of months.”

When asked to comment on the generosity of his dark overlords, Jones expressed via email his desire to redouble his efforts in typical Alex Jones style: “THE US GOVERNMENT IS BUILDING FEMA CAMPS. WE HAVE AREST FOR PUBLIC SAFETY WHERE PEPLE ARE JUST DISAPPEARED. BUT YOU WIL NOT STOP FREEDOM. YOU WIL NOT STOP HUMANITY. LIBERTY IS RISING. LIBERY IS RISING. INFOWARSDOTCOM!”