Horoscopes
You know who you are.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week: The Sun is sleeping in your life cycle; stick its hand in warm water so it pees on itself. Love: You won’t impress a girl when you tell her your contribution to world hunger is “tube steak.” Career: You will never be “the man.” You will always be “the asshole.” Money: You will not earn much when you try to scalp tickets to the “gun show.” Lucky numbers: 666
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week: If you dance like no one is watching, everyone will laugh at you when you trip. Love: Consider all the ins and outs before asking that girl with the penis back to your apartment. Career: Set your goals lower than humanly possible and you will never be disappointed. Money: For Christmas this year, you will buy yourself a membership to the “Pie of the Month Club.” For Christmas next year: “Insulin of the Month Club.” Lucky numbers: 1,000,000,000,000
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week: The guy next to you on the bus will think you know he’s tweaking. Do you? Shhhhhh. Don’t look at him. He’ll cut you, man. Love: The guy next to you on the bus is also your soul mate. What do you do? Career: You will skip work to ponder your options on the bus. Money: The soul mate next to you on the bus just took your wallet (and your heart). Lucky Numbers: BX12
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week: Stay focused on the end result; please flush it down after you get it. Love: Planetary aspects will cause you to find pleasure in everything. Just don’t pleasure all over your date. Career: Do not yell “FINALLY” at a co-worker’s going away party. Money: Drugs may be a growth industry, but don’t invest with Pete the meth head. He does not care about a good return. Lucky numbers: 3/4
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week: Dressing your dog does not make you a stylist. Love: Don’t ask a woman if you can put her on your “in case of horny” list. Career: Peeing in your boss’ latte will not make him less of a dick, but he will be drinking your pee, which is hilarious!!! Money: Get your money for nothing and your chicks for free. Lucky Numbers: 12”
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week: Your life is like a movie. Unfortunately, that movie is “Contagion.” Love: No one needs to know you have four sister wives. Career: You don’t need a college degree if you keep workin’ those fry baskets! Money: Don’t be so quick to brag about the $1,000 “bargain” you got on that vintage Mötley Crüe lunch box. Lucky numbers: One wooden nickel
GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week: You will learn your life is less like the game “Life” and more like “Hungry Hungry Hippos.” Love: The love bug is a lot like the flu bug, which is a lot like herpes. Just be careful, is all. Career: Kissing the boss’s ass should not mean actually kissing his ass. Unless there’s a paid vacation up in that cinnamon star. Money: The only reason you will sell your soul for money is because it’s much more than you would get for your body. Lucky numbers: Big fat zero
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: It’s good to be able to think on your feet, because someone is going to shoot at you. Love: That itch is one only you should scratch. Career: Aim higher. It doesn’t make any sense to brag about being an extra in a movie with “that girl from ‘Friends’.” Money: Buy your Mom jewelry this year for Christmas. She doesn’t need another candy-pooping reindeer. Lucky Numbers: 1,000 to 1
LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week: You will be disappointed in the knowledge that someone will always have more than you. You will find security in the knowledge that you will always have more than the homeless. Love: Hugh Hefner gets engaged again. What the fuck is wrong with you? Career: You will score points with your boss if you act stoked about Rush’s induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. You will lose points by saying you also like “The Led Zeppelin.” Money: You can’t pay your rent with the collection of smushed pennies you got from the machine at the zoo, as they will not appreciate in value. Lucky Numbers: 2012
VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week: It is a great burden off of your shoulders to admit you don’t like “30 Rock.” Career: How fast you rise up the ladder of success is largely within your control, just hold your farts on your way. Love: You have a 50/50 chance of scoring with a hermaphrodite. Money: Pinching pennies between your butt cheeks is not saving money. It’s a fetish. Lucky numbers: 227
LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week: If you have the urge to reach out and help someone in need, use hand sanitizer. Love: Blow jobs are not “as intimate as kissing.” Career: You’re a self starter, but that doesn’t mean much at Cold Stone Creamery. Money: Being grateful for what you have doesn’t get you more than being greedy does! Lucky Numbers: 1/8
SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week: Changing your tune is fine, just don’t change it to “Jingle Bells.” Love: Dressing as Sexy Santa will only let you score with aggressive toddlers and maybe their hot moms. Career: Your boss hopes you will take a leap of faith today. Off a bridge. Money: When times are tough, blow it all on weed. Lucky Numbers: 18-20
