SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week: This week, you will be reminded of Christmases past and, unfortunately, something your uncle called “elf love”.
Love: Just because it’s Christmas does not mean you can call that girl a “Ho ho ho”.
Career: At the office party, you will make a drunken speech bitching about “Mike, who always fucking microwaves fish”.
Money: Buying $100 in holiday scratch off’s will net you $5 in holiday shame.
Lucky numbers: 12/25
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week: Calling your dog Santa Paws will make your friends think you’re adorable. And sad.
Love: You will find the true meaning of Christmas in the “hookups” section of Craigslist.
Career: At the office, your secret Santa present should not be Post It Notes and a ream of printer paper you “bought” at the supply closet.
Money: The gift of Netflix shows how much your really don’t care.
Lucky numbers: 12/24
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week: You will discover the elf on the shelf stole your television.
Love: In love, there’s something to be said for subtlety. So take that mistletoe off of your dick.
Career: Even though your boss is Jewish, don’t shout “Merry Day… That Your People Created By Killing Our Lord and Savior!”.
Money: Don’t tell your family their gifts will be “late”. Just admit they will be on “Clearance”.
Lucky Numbers: 4 golden rings
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week: You will be more adventurous this Christmas by caroling in the nude. You will also be spending most of Christmas in jail.
Love: The weather outside is frightful. So is your “O” face.
Career: Take off your “Naughty” Santa hat while in the office bathroom.
Money: Because cash is tight this year, you will create a new holiday tradition of “giving the gift of ideas”.
Lucky Numbers: 1999
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week: You will be shocked to discover eggnog is not made from dead nogs.
Love: No one will sit on your lap if you are a pants-less Santa.
Career: No one will let you in the party if you are pants-less Santa.
Money: Don’t spend your gift cash on holidays cards with pictures of you… as pants-less Santa.
Lucky Numbers: PANTS!
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week: You will ask someone you hate to give you “two shits” for Christmas so next year you can give it to them.
Love: Being in a festive mood when making love to your partner, you will yell “I’m coming down the chimney!”
Career: You’ll be a lot more productive if you stop drinking cocoa by the quart.
Money: Your loved ones will not appreciate their gift wrapped “IOU Something Neato!” cards.
Lucky numbers: 3/4
GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week: No one wants Angry Birds underwear for Christmas. Really. Just… don’t.
Love: Tonight, you will meet a real elf who wants to spend the evening at your place. Tomorrow, you will wake up with icing on your genitals.
Career: Don’t ask your boss if this year, you can gift him with “a dose of reality”.
Money: You will give your fat cousin Ruthie a box of chocolate covered bacon and a note that says “fuck it, diabetes schmiabetes”.
Lucky numbers: 400
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: The other cats will laugh at your cat if you put that jingle bell collar on him. Then your cat will get hooked on catnip. And OD. Don’t put that jingle bell collar on your cat, man.
Love: Stop telling women Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer “had a very shiny nob”.
Career: You will piss off your boss but delight your co-workers when cut up all the manilla folders to make snowflake garland.
Money: By doing your Christmas shopping via infomercials, you will save money and lose respect.
Lucky Numbers: 2am
LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week: Take off the reindeer footie pajamas when running to the store for milk.
Love: None of the girls you meet will believe candy canes “have veins”.
Career: “A shoulder to cry on” is not in your holiday bonus.
Money: Try not to repeat last year’s gag gifts, which all farted in one way or another.
Lucky Numbers: Pffffffffffft
VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week: Think twice before peeing in the Salvation Army bucket outside Macy’s.
Career: You will be fired from your job at the Salvation Army.
Love: The carol is not called “Deck My Balls”.
Money: Buy your stoner friend an “Easy Baked Oven” for Christmas.
Lucky numbers: 666
LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week: You will get more holiday sympathy if you sign your Christmas cards in crayon with your non-dominant hand.
Love: On the twelfth day of Christmas, your true love will give you herpes.
Career: Feelings will be hurt when you try to unmask your Secret Santa so you can get a gift receipt.
Money: Buying traditional Christmas cookies at the Dollar Store will bring you traditional holiday diarrhea.
Lucky numbers: 2012
SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week: Holiday travel is a blast this week when your trip involves mushrooms!
Love: Don’t ask anyone if they’d like to be one of six geese a-laying.
Career: To try to get a raise, you will give your boss a pice of cardboard that says, “If you paid me more, this wouldn’t be your shitty Christmas card”.
Money: You will save money by celebrating this Christmas like they did before Christ was born.
Lucky Numbers: Fudge