Brutally Honest Horoscopes
Brace Yourself

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This year: This is the year you stick to your resolutions! Because you didn’t make any! Love: February is not your love month… June is, so pass out your grade school valentines then; people will think it’s eccentric. And cute. Mostly eccentric. But that can also get you laid.  Then someone can say to her friends, “Hey, remember that weirdo passing out kids’ valentines last night?  Fucked him!” Career: In the spring, it’s time to ask for that raise, right after you’ve finished wiping off those plastic trays. Go on, add another quarter to that minimum wage! Money: All months will be money months. You won’t have any… from month to month. Lucky numbers:  2, 4, 6, 8, 10

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This year: This year, your biggest spiritual quest will be for better Mexican food. You partner’s will be for fart-free sleepy time. Love: May old acquaintances be forgotten… and the losers you’ll hook up with in 2013. Career: You aren’t allowed to take a sick day because “Disney bought Star Wars”. Money: February is your month, when you can enjoy the good life, which, luckily for you, means 39 cent wings and 99 cent draft. Lucky numbers: 39, 99 (duh)

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This year: Keeping your eyes on the prize, you will get into an accident because you weren’t watching the road, dummy! Love: You will lose points with the ladies for saying you’re into “Food Porn”. Career: This year is the year you finally realize how very disliked you are at work. All because you voted for the Green Party candidate. Money: In January, you will have to make a rash decision about whether or not to buy cream for your rash. Lucky Numbers: $36.00 (or $7 if you have insurance)

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This year: This year, you will take a good look at what you’ve achieved and where you are. Especially when you make your third trip to the buffet at Ryan’s Steakhouse. Love: Stay home when performing your June “detox” cleanse.  Body odor, farts and crying hysterically are not an attractive combination. Career: Keep to yourself that you consider yourself “the Hobbit” and your co-workers “Orcs”. Money: Despite your struggle with finances, you will stop buying your underwear at Goodwill in July after a particularly… um… itchy June. Lucky Numbers: 1977

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This year:  You’ll make your own luck, out of paper mache!  You crafty, crafty, sad person… Love: April is your love month; someone will get you straight through the heart. No, seriously. Put 911 on your speed dial. Career:  Whistle while you work, just not songs by New Kids On The Block. Money: Your bills are paid on time and your finances are in perfect order, mostly because you have nothing else to do. Lucky Numbers: 4

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This year: Realize this year that you are constantly changing and your clothing should reflect that. So buy a bigger size, please. You have front-butt. Love: Not a lot going on this year, but your stalker will start leaving nicer flowers and less violent notes! Career: You will not get that prospective job in May when you say the boardroom looks like “a real fuck buddy kind of place”. Money: You will make a surprising profit when you auction off your collection of Fonzie dolls. Lucky numbers: 1955

GEMINI:  (May 21-June 20)
This year: You set yourself apart from the pack by changing your religion to “Awesome Possum”. Love: Cupid is in your house this fall, so get an alarm system. He steals things. Career: In the middle of May, you will be more confident; then lose that confidence when you discover you left behind a gift in the toilet and your new nickname is “Buttbean Joe”. Money: In April, don’t be surprised that your can’t write off your subscription to “High Times”. Lucky numbers: 420

CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This year: In your many journeys through this life, skip Ohio. Love: In March, your sign sends romance to you and the person with whom you are most aligned. Kiss that guy standing next to you in the checkout line. Career: Stop selling your Adderall to friends. It’s not a job. Money: Hold onto that drug deal money; you will need it for the prison commissary. Lucky Numbers: 25mg

LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This year: Saturn will enter your house in February; won’t leave until September. Also, eats all of your food and jerks off in your bed when you go to work. Love: Love this year will be intense…ly lonely for you. Career: If you want to know why your cubicle faces the corner: breathe into your hand. Money:  Buy mints in January. Lucky Numbers: 1

VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This year: Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sing and you clear the room. Career:  It’s time to reset your career goals to include actual goals. You will never be “King of the World”. Love: It’s time to let go of old, destructive relationship patterns and get new, destructive relationship patterns. Money: You may get more sympathy from your creditors if you give them cookies… while blowing them. Lucky numbers: zero

LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This year:  Your new moon will appear in November, after you gorge on turkey. It’s gonna be a big moon. If you don’t get it, I’m talking about your ass.  Your big… fat… ass. Love: Telling your date she can have “anything from the dollar menu” = end of date. Career:  It’s important to stay flexible at work.  Right now, you can barely touch your toes. Money:  You will not get a financial boost by holding up your bank. Lucky numbers:  7-10

SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This year: Taurus is flying through Venus’s legs at the beginning of the year and your solar chart will give you melanoma if you don’t wear sunscreen. Love: The amount of activity in your love life will cause the neighbors to call the cops. You’re dirty! Career: Despite your best efforts, your beer belly will not qualify you for maternity leave. Money: You will find discomfort in the summer when you try to save money with a “Sleep Numero Bed” from Chi Chi’s Discount Mattresses and Notary. Lucky Numbers: 2 pesos