Brutally Honest Horoscopes
Hold On to Your Hat
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week: Mars challenges Venus in your house this week… to a game of Twister!
Love: You’re less “Match.com” and more “Adult Friend Finder.”
Career: Stop looking for work on Craigslist. You will get murdered.
Money: Your financial situation is out of your control, especially if you are in a money-blowing machine at the opening of the new mall.
Lucky numbers: $5… if you catch it!
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week: You will accept your age when a sales girl at Urban Outfitters asks you to leave.
Love: A chance meeting could lead to romance. Give that bum a kiss instead of a quarter!
Career: Stop calling the cafeteria lady “the lunch of your life”.
Money: Money changes everything. Except getting really, really laid.
Lucky numbers: 44
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week: You will buy longer workout shorts when you realize they can’t blur out your balls in real life like they do on TV. BRAIN!
Love: Don’t reveal your “Bon Jovi” tramp stamp until you absolutely have to.
Career: Build up relationships at work, then tear them down when you become boss.
Money: You are in the seventh house of money, which is the eighth house of broke.
Lucky Numbers: 7, 8
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week: When you compare yourself to a lotus flower, remember they grow in the mud…
Love: Print up fliers that have your face and phone number and the words, “Missing: The Love of My Life.” You’re bound to get at least one “Awwwwww.” And a b’jowski!
Career: You’ll get more done if you take 5 Hour Energy at the beginning of the day. Not at 4:30.
Money: It’s a waste of time to make a budget when you’re broke. Choose something less challenging, like building a house of cards on a hot, humid day.
Lucky Numbers: 52 pick up
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week: You involve yourself in too much drama, especially at the multiplex. Shut! Up!
Love: Don’t use your intuition when looking for a mate. Remember Crackhead Harvey? You were “So sure” about Crackhead Harvey.
Career: If asked “Working hard or hardly workin?,” the answer is “Yes”… when you’re a security guard at Target.
Money: In real life Monopoly, you are the thimble.
Lucky Numbers: None. Go directly to jail.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week: You’re not going to get a puppy with that attitude.
Love: Speed dating does not mean you get hopped up on crank and grab boobies until the bell rings.
Career: After the age of eighteen, you shouldn’t work as a big head cartoon character. You’re a forty-five year old Yogi The Bear. That’s sad, man.
Money: Your patience will pay off, but in experience and emotional satisfaction. Sucker!
Lucky numbers: 1,000,000
GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week: Saturn in retrograde sends you on a surprising journey… to Seattle. Did I say it was a fun journey? No. I didn’t. So suck it up.
Love: No one likes being slapped in the face with a penis.
Career: Don’t ask your boss if his wife is the Mayor of Cougartown.
Money: Your life savings will be wasted on your investment in “meggings.”
Lucky numbers: 6½
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: You invite stress where it isn’t welcome, like Chuck E. Cheese’s.
Love: Don’t tell the ladies you work with Tim Burton and then offer to show them your “Frankenweenie.”
Career: You will meet interesting people in your industry. Then again, you are a pimp.
Money: If life gives you lemons, bully the shit out of it until it gives you cash.
Lucky Numbers: Retirement
LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week: You don’t see things in black and white, you see them colorized, which ruins the movie.
Love: Your 36DD’d aren’t “Golden Globes.”
Career: In next week’s board meeting, your input should be more than “That’s retarded”.
Money: There’s nothing wrong with having high expectations. But you really shouldn’t.
Lucky Numbers: 10-1
VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week: Don’t tell people how to get to Sesame Street.
Love: Your current spouse will not want to help you “find the next one.”
Career: Good things come to those who wait… and those who steal ideas.
Money: Creativity can expand your bank account. PS: Mail fraud is not creative.
Lucky numbers: 2
LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week: That jester hat makes you look like a douchebag.
Love: You will discover your regrettable porn name is “Binky 14th Street.”
Career: Wait to hear the reason you get canned, instead of offering, “Is it because I goosed the intern?”
Money: You will make a lot of dough when you star in “Binky 14th Street Does Everyone.” It’s good that you’re flexible. Seriously. Makes a reach-around a lot easier.
Lucky numbers: 69
SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week: If you’re running yourself into the ground, get a treadmill, silly!
Love: Your expectations are too high. Date a dwarf.
Career: Don’t quit your job just because you entered the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes; that gives you a one in one chance of being an idiot.
Money: You’re not so broke that you have to negotiate the price of a munchkin at the Dunkin Donuts.
Lucky Numbers: a baker’s dozen