Brutally Honest Horoscopes
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week: Saturn is in the realm of Pluto and it’s bordering on stalking.
Love: Dating an older woman makes you sophisticated. Dating an older, older woman makes you a fetishist.
Career: Combine work and social engagements by screwing your assistant on the copy machine.
Money: A creative approach could net you more financially. So, walk backwards into the bank.
Lucky numbers: 88
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week: Don’t go out with your hair looking like that.
Love: Be honest with your partner, except about her weight.
Career: Don’t describe your career goals as “Manson-esque.
Money: You can’t double your money by tearing it in half.
Lucky numbers: 1, 9, 6, 9
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week: No matter how busy you are, take time to stop and smell… your pits. NOW do you get why no one likes you?
Love: Your ex was right, you are nothing without him.
Career: When asked what sex you are on a job application, don’t write “dirty”.
Money: Take control of your money by putting a ball gag it its mouth.
Lucky Numbers: Big fat zero
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week: On your trip to the zoo, you will finally understand why cheetahs never win.
Love: You will change your online dating profile from “Single” to “Desperate.”
Career: Work with people that compliment you, like the guy at Subway who calls you “Nice laaaaaaady!”
Money: The stars indicate money in your future. But they’re D-List stars, so, um, it’s, like five bucks.
Lucky Numbers: 1 (the loneliest number that you’ll ever know)
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week: You can have it all… if all is nothing.
Love: A slap is guaranteed when you ask a lady to watch her “Downton Abby..
Career: You will finally change your dream job from “Pedophile Clown” to “Pedophile Accountant..
Money: Your million-dollar décor is 99-cent store shitty.
Lucky Numbers: Whatever’s your birthday. I don’t know.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week: Home environment is important, unless you live in a box. Then, fuck it, smoke meth.
Love: No one wants to go to the garden party in your pants.
Career: It’s gonna creep out your boss when you refer to your promotion as “crowning.”
Money: The amount of TP you buy at Costco doesn’t make you look like you’re saving money. It makes you look like you have chronic diarrhea.
Lucky numbers: 9.95
GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week: Don’t go chasing waterfalls.
Love: Stop blowing guys first, THEN expecting a kiss.
Career: Even though it’s called “casual Friday,” no one wants to see you in a banana hammock.
Money: Did you REALLY need new boobs? I mean, dude…
Lucky numbers: 64cc
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: There is a renewed energy that surrounds you. Unfortunately, it’s powered by crack.
Love: Affection comes easily when you’re drunk. So, drink up, you cold-hearted bastard.
Career: Stop talking to everyone in the office through your iPhone mustache app.
Money: If you sell your body for money, you’ll make many dollar…
Lucky Numbers: 1, 0, 0
LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week: WHY do you fart so much?!!?
Love: A motorboat is something you buy, not something you do.
Career: Think of the pros and cons of swindling the company… mostly the cons, because they’ll rape you in prison.
Money: There are certain things on which you shouldn’t skimp, like piercing your nips.
Lucky Numbers: 2-10
VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week: You are a driven person. Stop making your Mom chauffeur you around!
Love: He’ll run for the door when you cook him dinner in your Easy Bake Oven.
Career: Don’t mention “that one abortion” in your interview.
Money: Dream of becoming a big spender! Then wake up and cry.
Lucky numbers: 9
LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week: A pint of Ben and Jerry’s is not one serving.
Love: You will stumble on the way to finding love, falling into someone’s vagina.
Career: Take pride in your work. You’re the best sweater folder at the Gap.
Money: You won’t get a raise for being the best sweater folder at the Gap.
Lucky numbers: 7, 25
SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week: You’ll get kicked out of the theatre for laughing at Naomi Watts’ bloody booby in “The Impossible.”
Love: It’s a sign to get out more when moths fly out of your lingerie drawer.
Career: On the bright side, you get a corporate discount. On the dark side, you sell enema bags.
Money: Keep budgeting fun! Use crayons to balance your checkbook.
Lucky Numbers: 50% off!