NewsLo
  • Today’s Headlines
  • Featured
  • US
  • Politics
  • World
  • Media
  • Sports
  • Privacy Policy
Subscribe
NewsLo
NewsLo
  • Home
  • Business
    • Accounting
    • Advertising
    • Branding
    • Career
    • Customer Service
    • Cyber Security
    • Entrepreneur
    • Jobs
    • Management
    • Marketing
    • Non Profit
    • Search Engine Optimization
    • Sales
    • Web Design
  • Finance
    • Banking
    • Bankruptcy
    • Budgeting
    • Credit
    • Debt
    • Estate Wills & Trusts
    • Home Improvements
    • Law
    • Loans
    • Personal Finance
    • Taxes
    • Shopping
  • Investment
    • Crypto Currency
    • Gold & Silver
    • Hard Assets
    • Real Estate
    • Retirement
    • Stocks & Bonds
    • Trading
  • Real Estate
    • Buying
    • Selling
    • Commercial Construction
    • Construction Law
    • Home Improvement
    • Loans
    • Property Management
    • Real Estate Laws
    • Rental Property
  • Insurance
    • Auto Insurance
    • Commercial Real Estate Insurance
    • Crop Insurance
    • Dental Insurance
    • Disability Insurance
    • Health Insurance
    • Home Owners Insurance
    • Identity Theft Protection
    • Insurance Law
    • Investment Insurance
  • Contact Us
  • Blogs

Brutally Honest Horoscopes

  • January 23, 2013
  • News Lo
Horoscope
(Photo Credit: Shutterstock)
Total
0
Shares
0
0
0

Brutally Honest Horoscopes
Mama like

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week: Saturn is in the realm of Pluto and it’s bordering on stalking.
Love: Dating an older woman makes you sophisticated. Dating an older, older woman makes you a fetishist.
Career: Combine work and social engagements by screwing your assistant on the copy machine.
Money: A creative approach could net you more financially. So, walk backwards into the bank.
Lucky numbers: 88

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week: Don’t go out with your hair looking like that.
Love: Be honest with your partner, except about her weight.
Career: Don’t describe your career goals as “Manson-esque.
Money: You can’t double your money by tearing it in half.
Lucky numbers: 1, 9, 6, 9

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week: No matter how busy you are, take time to stop and smell… your pits. NOW do you get why no one likes you?
Love: Your ex was right, you are nothing without him.
Career: When asked what sex you are on a job application, don’t write “dirty”.
Money: Take control of your money by putting a ball gag it its mouth.
Lucky Numbers: Big fat zero

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week: On your trip to the zoo, you will finally understand why cheetahs never win.
Love: You will change your online dating profile from “Single” to “Desperate.”
Career: Work with people that compliment you, like the guy at Subway who calls you “Nice laaaaaaady!”
Money: The stars indicate money in your future.  But they’re D-List stars, so, um, it’s, like five bucks.
Lucky Numbers: 1 (the loneliest number that you’ll ever know)

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week: You can have it all… if all is nothing.
Love: A slap is guaranteed when you ask a lady to watch her “Downton Abby..
Career: You will finally change your dream job from “Pedophile Clown” to “Pedophile Accountant..
Money: Your million-dollar décor is 99-cent store shitty.
Lucky Numbers: Whatever’s your birthday. I don’t know.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week: Home environment is important, unless you live in a box. Then, fuck it, smoke meth.
Love: No one wants to go to the garden party in your pants.
Career: It’s gonna creep out your boss when you refer to your promotion as “crowning.”
Money: The amount of TP you buy at Costco doesn’t make you look like you’re saving money. It makes you look like you have chronic diarrhea.
Lucky numbers: 9.95

GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week: Don’t go chasing waterfalls.
Love: Stop blowing guys first, THEN expecting a kiss.
Career: Even though it’s called “casual Friday,” no one wants to see you in a banana hammock.
Money: Did you REALLY need new boobs? I mean, dude…
Lucky numbers: 64cc

CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: There is a renewed energy that surrounds you. Unfortunately, it’s powered by crack.
Love: Affection comes easily when you’re drunk. So, drink up, you cold-hearted bastard.
Career: Stop talking to everyone in the office through your iPhone mustache app.
Money: If you sell your body for money, you’ll make many dollar…
Lucky Numbers: 1, 0, 0

LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week: WHY do you fart so much?!!?
Love: A motorboat is something you buy, not something you do.
Career: Think of the pros and cons of swindling the company… mostly the cons, because they’ll rape you in prison.
Money: There are certain things on which you shouldn’t skimp, like piercing your nips.
Lucky Numbers: 2-10

VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week: You are a driven person. Stop making your Mom chauffeur you around!
Love: He’ll run for the door when you cook him dinner in your Easy Bake Oven.
Career: Don’t mention “that one abortion” in your interview.
Money: Dream of becoming a big spender! Then wake up and cry.
Lucky numbers: 9

LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week: A pint of Ben and Jerry’s is not one serving.
Love: You will stumble on the way to finding love, falling into someone’s vagina.
Career: Take pride in your work. You’re the best sweater folder at the Gap.
Money: You won’t get a raise for being the best sweater folder at the Gap.
Lucky numbers: 7, 25

SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week: You’ll get kicked out of the theatre for laughing at Naomi Watts’ bloody booby in “The Impossible.”
Love: It’s a sign to get out more when moths fly out of your lingerie drawer.
Career: On the bright side, you get a corporate discount. On the dark side, you sell enema bags.
Money: Keep budgeting fun! Use crayons to balance your checkbook.
Lucky Numbers: 50% off!

Total
0
Shares
Share 0
Tweet 0
Pin it 0
Related Topics
  • brutally honest horoscopes
  • funny horoscopes
  • Honest horoscopes
  • Horoscopes
  • satirical horoscopes
Avatar of News Lo
News Lo

Welcome to Newslo! Our team of dedicated authors strives to deliver the latest and most important info on finance while infusing a dose of our own style to give you a unique experience. Whether you're looking for in-depth discussions on investments or solid finance tips, we have something for everyone. Our goal is to deliver you the best possible content. So, keep reading our articles and give us your feedback!

Previous Article
guns-shutterstock copy copy
  • US

Five Injured at Gun Appreciation Day Event; Appreciation Increases Dramatically

  • January 22, 2013
  • News Lo
View Post
Next Article
  • US

Coca-Cola to Begin Putting Cocaine in Drinks to Fight Obesity

  • January 23, 2013
  • News Lo
View Post
NewsLo
  • Today’s Headlines
  • Featured
  • US
  • Politics
  • World
  • Media
  • Sports
  • Privacy Policy
Navigating the world of finance, one step at a time.

Input your search keywords and press Enter.