Newslo’s Brutally Honest Horoscopes

You know who you are.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week:  This week, the moon is in the house of Leo. Doing it Aries style. Bom chicka bom bom.  Love: The deli guy is in like with you.  Career:  When you find out the woman in the cubicle next to you isn’t pregnant; you will want to apologize for “trying to feel it kick”.  Money:  In the end, saving with the McDonald’s 99-cent menu won’t help pay for your extra large casket.  Lucky numbers: One Mc-dollar

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week:  It’s time to find a hobby.  Sitting in front of the TV eating Nutter Butters while you watch a Hoarders marathon is not a hobby.  Love: You’re getting carpal tunnel from chronic masturbating. Stop “taking care of yourself” and take care of yourself.  Career: Nobody likes a quitter. Except the people who work with you.  Money:  Your emergency fund should not be for Archie Comics.  Lucky numbers: 2

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week:  To add a little pep to your step, walk through life as though it is soundtracked by 8-track tapes. Then angrily burn all the ones by Barry Manilow.  Career:  Form strong relationships with those in higher up positions, then expose their secrets and take them down.  Love:  Any guy will run for the hills when he sees you hold your pug like a baby.  Money:  Betting your bottom dollar does not mean putting it in your anus. Gross.  Lucky numbers:  5, 7, 9

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week:  Everything happens for a reason.  So the hangnail you’ll get is because you’re a douchebag.  Love:  Is this the week you find love?  Not if you spooge on her back.  Career:  You may want to remove your degree in “happiness” from your resume. And your BFA.  Money:  You may not have much… aaaaaaaaaand soon will also still not have much.  Lucky numbers: 0

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week:  When faced with a confrontation, fighting is not the solution, but neither is hiding behind a plant. Pussy.  Love:  Yes, Salma Hayak is getting your letters. So are the cops. Career:  Assume that staring at your co-worker and smacking your lips while she breastfeeds is inappropriate.  Money:  Getting toothpaste at the 99-cent store = getting cancer.  Lucky Numbers:  6 of one, half dozen of the other

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week:  Having friends in your life is the perfect opportunity for re-gifting.  Love:  It is best not to unbutton your pants, point at your crotch and yell “THIS GUY!”  Career:  Talk behind your boss’ back, even though you work at home.  Money: That monkey from “The Hangover” will always earn more than you.  Lucky numbers: 30,000,000

GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week:  Not everyone wants gum.  Love:  If you talk to a guy about “The Notebook” for more than 2 minutes, he will walk away mid-sentence.  Career: The boss’s 15-year-old daughter is not “ripe for the picking.”  Money: Just because it’s on sale doesn’t mean you have to buy it. Unless it’s 2 for $5 one pound M&M bags. Then, fuck yeah.  Lucky Numbers:  18

CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: It’s says something that you naturally gravitate towards helping people. Except ugly people.  Love: Cupid’s sick this week. Unfortunately for you, his idiot cousin Tee Tee is subbing.  Money:  Upcoming financial news is good… for people who have jobs.  Lucky Numbers:  525, 600

LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week:  You will enjoy visions of the future in your bowl of Ramen. P.S.—it includes more Ramen.  Love:  When you try to communicate via winks across a crowded bar, you look like you’re having a seizure. Career:  Do not talk to the temps, you’ll just encourage them.  Money:  You’re too white to call them “Benjamin’s.”  Lucky Numbers:  Fiddy Cent

VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week:  Having a “sense of adventure” does not mean being in a situation where you are at high risk for getting Hep C. Try base jumping, not needle-sharing.  Love:  A woman’s vagina should never be called “chubby monkey.” But “flibber jibber” is acceptable.  Career: Carrying your hanky makes you look like a dandy. And stop calling it a “hanky.”  Money:  Kmart gifts are not “high end.” Lucky Numbers: 2 for 1

LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week:  Just because you collect stuffed otters does not mean they are your “totem animal.”  Love:  It’s best not to tell a new love that watching Rudy makes you hard.  Career:  It’s called a courtesy flush, and a lot of your co-workers wish you would use it.  Money:  Don’t go to the reservation casino and declare you want “big heap-o wampum.”  Lucky Numbers:  21

SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week:  It is important to recognize your feelings, dig deep inside, sort them out and then keep them to yourself. No one give two shits.  Love: On, it’s not okay list your profession as “Official Schnoob Inspector”.  Career: At the holiday party this year, don’t come as “Cunty Claus.”  Money:  If you worry about being called “cheap,” don’t pay for your Starbucks latte with rolled pennies.  Lucky numbers: 44