Horoscopes
You know who you are.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week: This week, the moon is in the house of Leo. Doing it Aries style. Bom chicka bom bom. Love: The deli guy is in like with you. Career: When you find out the woman in the cubicle next to you isn’t pregnant; you will want to apologize for “trying to feel it kick”. Money: In the end, saving with the McDonald’s 99-cent menu won’t help pay for your extra large casket. Lucky numbers: One Mc-dollar
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week: It’s time to find a hobby. Sitting in front of the TV eating Nutter Butters while you watch a Hoarders marathon is not a hobby. Love: You’re getting carpal tunnel from chronic masturbating. Stop “taking care of yourself” and take care of yourself. Career: Nobody likes a quitter. Except the people who work with you. Money: Your emergency fund should not be for Archie Comics. Lucky numbers: 2
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week: To add a little pep to your step, walk through life as though it is soundtracked by 8-track tapes. Then angrily burn all the ones by Barry Manilow. Career: Form strong relationships with those in higher up positions, then expose their secrets and take them down. Love: Any guy will run for the hills when he sees you hold your pug like a baby. Money: Betting your bottom dollar does not mean putting it in your anus. Gross. Lucky numbers: 5, 7, 9
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week: Everything happens for a reason. So the hangnail you’ll get is because you’re a douchebag. Love: Is this the week you find love? Not if you spooge on her back. Career: You may want to remove your degree in “happiness” from your resume. And your BFA. Money: You may not have much… aaaaaaaaaand soon will also still not have much. Lucky numbers: 0
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week: When faced with a confrontation, fighting is not the solution, but neither is hiding behind a plant. Pussy. Love: Yes, Salma Hayak is getting your letters. So are the cops. Career: Assume that staring at your co-worker and smacking your lips while she breastfeeds is inappropriate. Money: Getting toothpaste at the 99-cent store = getting cancer. Lucky Numbers: 6 of one, half dozen of the other
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week: Having friends in your life is the perfect opportunity for re-gifting. Love: It is best not to unbutton your pants, point at your crotch and yell “THIS GUY!” Career: Talk behind your boss’ back, even though you work at home. Money: That monkey from “The Hangover” will always earn more than you. Lucky numbers: 30,000,000
GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week: Not everyone wants gum. Love: If you talk to a guy about “The Notebook” for more than 2 minutes, he will walk away mid-sentence. Career: The boss’s 15-year-old daughter is not “ripe for the picking.” Money: Just because it’s on sale doesn’t mean you have to buy it. Unless it’s 2 for $5 one pound M&M bags. Then, fuck yeah. Lucky Numbers: 18
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: It’s says something that you naturally gravitate towards helping people. Except ugly people. Love: Cupid’s sick this week. Unfortunately for you, his idiot cousin Tee Tee is subbing. Money: Upcoming financial news is good… for people who have jobs. Lucky Numbers: 525, 600
LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week: You will enjoy visions of the future in your bowl of Ramen. P.S.—it includes more Ramen. Love: When you try to communicate via winks across a crowded bar, you look like you’re having a seizure. Career: Do not talk to the temps, you’ll just encourage them. Money: You’re too white to call them “Benjamin’s.” Lucky Numbers: Fiddy Cent
VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week: Having a “sense of adventure” does not mean being in a situation where you are at high risk for getting Hep C. Try base jumping, not needle-sharing. Love: A woman’s vagina should never be called “chubby monkey.” But “flibber jibber” is acceptable. Career: Carrying your hanky makes you look like a dandy. And stop calling it a “hanky.” Money: Kmart gifts are not “high end.” Lucky Numbers: 2 for 1
LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week: Just because you collect stuffed otters does not mean they are your “totem animal.” Love: It’s best not to tell a new love that watching Rudy makes you hard. Career: It’s called a courtesy flush, and a lot of your co-workers wish you would use it. Money: Don’t go to the reservation casino and declare you want “big heap-o wampum.” Lucky Numbers: 21
SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week: It is important to recognize your feelings, dig deep inside, sort them out and then keep them to yourself. No one give two shits. Love: On Match.com, it’s not okay list your profession as “Official Schnoob Inspector”. Career: At the holiday party this year, don’t come as “Cunty Claus.” Money: If you worry about being called “cheap,” don’t pay for your Starbucks latte with rolled pennies. Lucky numbers: 44
