Newslo Scoops Interviews with 2024 Presidential Candidates

WASHINGTON — While the rest of the media has their sights on the presidential candidates for the 2016 election, we at have decided to raise the bar by beginning our 2024 coverage on the current frontrunners. Two exclusive interviews with Democratic and Republican candidates show their depths of dedication when it comes to their campaign.

Congressman Joseph P. Kennedy wakes at 7 a.m. everyday and faces a closet full of carefully selected American-made garments in pre-approved hues of navy blue. After selecting his blue suit, he dons his American flag lapel pin and is ready for the day.

“2024 is really not as far away as it seems,” he comments when asked about his conspicuously patriotic regime. “If I plan on winning the presidential election and representing the United States, I need to show that I support our country now.”

Along with wearing only American-made clothes, Kennedy has also begun tailoring his diet to U.S. based franchises and domestic produce. “It has been a little harder than I initially expected,” he said when addressing his hospitalization for jaundice last year. “I really had no idea how many fruits and vegetables are imported. And in addition to becoming diabetic, I’ve gained a bit of weight.”

If he is to represent the Democratic Party, Kennedy felt that it was essential to be in touch with the people and to eat like the average American. Supported with official behavioral reports from the White House, Kennedy now visits fast food chains like McDonald’s up to five times a day. Surprised to discover that supporting “U.S.A. only” companies meant giving up Wal-Mart, Trader Joes and Whole Foods, Kennedy says that each week has been a struggle to find food. Sources close to the congressman say he faced a real crisis when the beloved American pastry company Hostess closed last month.

While health complications from his deleterious diet continue, Kennedy remains hopeful that if he can live until 2024, his dedication will pay off.

Republican presidential candidate Mike Lee has taken an opposing (but no less demanding) approach to his candidacy.

The room was dark and the curtains were drawn as our Newslo reporter sat down to talk with Utah Senator Mike Lee. Lee says he agrees with Kennedy on the level of commitment it will take to become commander-in-chief.

“It’s true, 2024 is really not that far away, and we must be prepared to have our actions scrutinized at every moment,” Lee explained.

After making this remark, the senator’s phone rang. He let it go to the answering machine and explained that he has not answered his phone in two years. “Someone is always listening,” Lee said. “I have to be very cautious about scandals. You never know if people will take what you say and use it out of context.”

Lee explains that in his preparation for candidacy, he has had to forgo many previously mundane activities. For Lee, even bathing has become difficult.

“The party is sometimes overly conservative,” Lee said. “Bathing or being nude at all for any period of time is just too compromising of a situation to be in.” Lee has even given up marital relations with his lawful wife of 23 years.

“As a Republican, sex is a minefield. Even if you’re with your legal spouse of the opposite sex, even if you think you’re in an approved position, and even if you follow your party’s position on contraceptives, a lot can still go wrong.”

While Lee admits not leaving his home or speaking to anyone other than his immediate family has been challenging, the Utah senator says it will all be worth it when his scandal-free record is revealed during the 2024 campaign.