Newslo’s 2-Cent Movie Review of Lincoln, As Seen by Jessica Simpson

Have you ever noticed how most people reviewing movies nowadays seem to be stuck-up, cynical film snobs? People who think and analyze way too much and just seem to take all the fun out of going to the movies? At Newslo, we’ve decided to change that. We’re taking movie reviews out of the hands of snooty, elitist movie critics and placing them into the hands of everyday people.

Lincoln, As seen by Jessica Simpson

“Lincoln” is a film directed by Steven Spielberg, the great director of past movies like “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial.” Even though E.T. looked like poop, it was a good movie for kids. But this movie is about serious things like slavery and war. And all the actors have three names.

Daniel Day-Lewis plays the good guy: Abraham Lincoln, an old president. Lincoln was a very good man who freed all the slaves. If slavery was still legal today, I would be forced to have slaves, and I wouldn’t want that. I’ve read rumors online that Lincoln was gay even though he was married to a woman. Gee, I hope my daddy doesn’t get shot for being gay and married.

I recognized some other actors. Tommy Lee Jones is in the movie, but he’s not funny like in “Men in Black.” Joseph Gordy-Levin kind of looks like Heath Ledger, which made the movie feel like “The Patriot,” except there was way less fighting and way more ugly, old people. This whole movie reminded me of my grandparents’ house: very little color and old geezers talking about things I don’t understand for over two hours. My grandparents would probably understand this movie better since it took place back in their day.

I know this movie is about a good thing that happened, but I hated it. I think it would probably be a good movie to show to a middle school Social Studies class. I remember I always loved when teachers showed movies in class. It didn’t matter if it was boring because it meant less reading. And reading is sooooo boring. Go rent the “Lincoln Vampire Hunter” movie instead. They show Lincoln the way he should be shown: a superhero who kills racist vampires who owned slaves. That was the best Lincoln movie ever.