Newslo’s Brutally Honest Horoscopes

You know who you are.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week: The moon is really messing with you at the beginning of the week; it’s best not to venture outside at all. Call your dealer, put on your robe and make an apple bong. Love: Stop jerking off to your Mom’s “Women’s Day” magazines Career: Nobody is going to notice if you stay home, call your dealer, put on your robe and make an apple bong. Money: Maybe try a new venture, like selling apple bongs to hipsters who dig the “up-cycled” trend. Lucky numbers: 4, 2, 0

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week: Stop obsessing about your weight and face the fact that you do not have a “thyroid condition,” unless “thyroid condition” means eating Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby for dinner while weeping uncontrollably. Love: Really, do you think that guy at the bar is going to call you after you puked on his new tie? Career: Everyone’s talking about the time you farted in the elevator. Money: Stop buying shoes online. Lucky numbers: 36, 24, 36

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week: Look out! Behind you! Just kidding. Career: You’ll have better luck finding work if you don’t say you were “Head Sandwich Artist” at the Subway in Hoboken. Love: Love means never having to say “can we do it in the butt?” Money: Cash is coming in… keep scratchin’ them scratch-offs.  Lucky numbers: 3/4

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week: Things can start moving forward if you stop whining about your childhood. Your dad drank. Big deal. So did everyone’s. Some kids’ dads were crackheads. Is that what you want? You want your dad to have been a crackhead? Then get over it. Love: People can sense you’re a sloppy kisser. Career: Your boss saw you put those chips on top of the urinal. Nasty, man. Money: Make more charitable donations then brag about it. Lucky numbers: 1976

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week: Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Love: Don’t look for love at work, because you work at Chevy’s. Career: I’m sorry you work at Chevy’s. Money: The way to save for a rainy day is not to buy the cheapo toilet paper that sticks to your butthole. Lucky Numbers: 8,6,7,5,3,0,9

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week: Balancing between home and work won’t be an issue. Both suck. Love: Your Ferengi change bank is a real turn off. Career: Stop fondling your assistant. She thinks it’s a relationship. Money: Better start saving for that abortion; New Year’s Eve is around the corner! Lucky numbers: 9 months

GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week: You don’t run on Dunkin. Love: No one wants to fuck you with that attitude. Career: If you’re such a self-starter, why have you been at the same job for twelve years? Money: Don’t blow your budget on hookers. Again. Lucky Numbers: 5,4,3,2,1

CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: Nobody cares about your bursitis. Love: Stop calling your ex-girlfriend. She doesn’t want to talk to you. She is about to get a restraining order against you. Besides, she spent last night bullfrogging on some guy’s joint for two hours. SHE’S DONE! Career: Stop talking about your bursitis. Money: It’s all goin’ to therapy this week. For your bursitis. Lucky Numbers: None

LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week: Even if you’re not busy, make everyone think you’re busy so they don’t catch on to how pathetic your life is. Love: Talking about your college glee club makes you sound super gay. And you’re not. Are you? It’s okay if you are. Career: You have too many small plastic figurines in your cubicle. One Smurf is one too many. Money: If you keep track of your spending, you’ll be surprised to find how much money you spend on Oxy’s. Lucky Numbers: 25-50mg

VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week: Watching your waistline is easier when it blocks the view of your feet. Love: You’re teetering on the edge between assertive and whore. Career: Everyone knows your snogging the “slow” mail guy. Money: To conserve cash this holiday season, give expired gift cards you find in the garbage. Lucky Numbers: 2, 4, 6, 8

LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week: Having the time of your life should not include “pantsing” bums. Love: She doesn’t like you; it’s her job to give you a lap dance. Career: Stop calling everyone “Chief.” Money: Don’t let your emotions drive a financial decision, like buying a big car because your dick is so, so, so, so very small. Lucky Numbers: Pi

SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week: You’re not having success in life because you’re an asshole. Love: If you stand in the corner of the club all of the time, you will never have sex. Career: You’ll get more done at the office if you read more work emails and fewer “I Can Haz Cheezburger” postings. Money: The online porn people are stealing your credit card info. Lucky numbers: 9 ½, 12, 3.8