WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an attempt to stay relevant while other conservatives dominate the spotlight, former Speaker of the House and 2012 presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich has announced an unusual new business plan: he is putting his own highly expressive mouth up for sale. The often-controversial politician stated that he had “only one or two beliefs that I actually cling to.” I use a lot of big words, so it seems like I know what I’m talking about even when I don’t. For the right price, I’ll say whatever you want me to, and I’ll say it damn well.”
The business proposal has drawn interest from both sides of the aisle, as well as from major corporations in need of good press. Robert Dudley, who replaced Tony Hayward as CEO of British Petroleum after the disastrous Deepwater Horizon spill, told Newslo that he purchased Newt’s mouth for the month of November in an effort to “help us repair our public image. He’ll voice his support for our company and our attempts to undo the damage in the Gulf. Or, maybe, if there’s enough cash in the payroll, we’ll have him say that the spill was an ‘unavoidable mechanical problem’ that could have happened to anyone, and that the negative effects of Deepwater Horizon ‘aren’t entirely clear, and are still being determined.’ There’s really no end to the possibilities of what we can pay him to say!”
Not everyone is so pleased, however: Jim Garrison, a former Gingrich ally, quickly condemned Gingrich’s proposal. Garrison claims that Gingrich is not after money, but rather attention.
“He’s a verbal prostitute,” Garrison commented. “He’d do anything to be on TV. He’d take a dump in the middle of a Hoboken Denny’s for a ten-minute cable access slot.”
Gingrich responded to the criticisms, calling them “unwarranted.” “I am not a verbal prostitute,” he said. “Prostitutes don’t wear neckties. Er – I guess high-end male escorts do. Not that I would know.
“The point is, I’m not the kind of person who will just say anything for a little money. It has to be a lot of money.”