Brain Damage Provides Hope for NFL Free Agents Wishing to Forget Their Errors

DENVER – “I’m excited to announce my signing with the AFC Champion Denver Broncos,” said DeMarcus Ware, the former Cowboy defensive end, upon inking a three year, $30 million contract with Denver. “But think about how much more exciting it will be in a few years, when my wife gets to remind me this happened every day because my concussion-rattled brain will have forgotten!”

Ware said he is not only excited about being reminded that he was once paid $10 million a year to play football but also excited to remember leaving the Cowboys, a team that has won exactly one playoff game in the last 15 years.

The glee is playing out across the NFL landscape. Golden Tate agreed to five year, $31 million contract with the Detroit Lions, and he is all ready to freshly relive the experience later.

“I’m going to get to line up next to future hall of famer Calvin Johnson,” Tate said. “How cool is it going to be for my family to consistently remind me over the next couple decades that it actually happened?”

Some teams are using the potential to forget about where a player signs to their advantage. The New York Jets entered free agency with roughly $40 million in available cap space. The woeful franchise has apparently been goading premier free agents into taking their money, while telling them not to worry about being a Jet.

“I mean most of these guys are going to forget they played with New York’s ‘lesser team’ in a Jersey stadium in the near future anyway,” said John Idzik of the Jets, “so we just remind them of that when we make our offer.”