NFL to Replace Kickoffs with “Moments of Silence

NEW YORK — In the wake of the tragic shootings in Connecticut and the recent murder-suicide of Kasandra M. Perkins by Kansas City linebacker Jovan Belcher, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans to permanently replace all “kick-offs” with “moments-of-silence.”

The NFL has been campaigning to show its sensitive side for several years. This October marked the fourth year in a row that players wore pink add-ons to their uniforms to show support for breast cancer research.

In a press conference, Commissioner Goodell announced, “We’ve already been starting more and more games with heads bowed, remembering victims of some unspeakable tragedy. Now we’re taking the next step and incorporating it into the game itself.”

The commissioner said that replacing the most violent play in football with moments of silence “will demonstrate that even though football is a brutal sport, the NFL doesn’t condone gratuitous harm to anyone. Also, moments of silence after each score will keep crowds from getting out-of-control when their team is piling on the points.”

Goodell rejected the idea that fans would tire of frequent moments of silence.

“There’s no shortage of murders, rapes and school buses darting off-road into ditches that warrant them,” Goodell said. “Plus, our polls show that fans like to show reverence. It makes them feel slightly ennobled after drunkenly screaming for guys to knock each other’s block off.”

Goodell also raised the possibility of holding moments of silence for victims of tragedies in other countries, as well.

“In the long run, that might help us expand internationally,” the commissioner said.