Lobbyist Writing Legislation to Ban Gays, Jews From NFL

WASHINGTON – Powerful Washington lobbyist Jack Burkman said this week that he is writing legislation that would ban gays and Jews from playing in the NFL, and that he expects Congress to pass his legislation before next season.

”We are losing our decency as a nation,” Burkman said in a statement. “Imagine your son being forced to shower with a gay man. That’s a horrifying prospect for every mom in the country. What in the world has this nation come to?

“And Jews? I hadn’t even realized they played football at all,” he added. “I mean it’s called a pigskin, which doesn’t sound very Kosher.”

Though he didn’t mention any names, Burkman–the founder and president of JM Burkman & Associates–said he had political support for the bill. “I’ve got Congressmen lining up to make sure everyone they see on that field is 100% straight and 100% Gentile.”

Burkman said he got the inspiration for the bill—which would force a privately-owned business to discriminate—after college football star Michael Sam came out as gay. “As soon as I heard about this Sam guy, I knew I had to do something to make sure no 300-pound lineman is forced to share a shower with him,” he said.

When a friend then pointed out that a number of current and former NFL players were Jewish–including Taylor Mays of the Cincinnati Bengals, Antonio Garay of the New York Jets, and Hall of Famer Andre Tippet-Burkman knew he had to expand his legislation. “If the NFL has no morals and no values, then Congress must find values for it,” he said.

Asked for comment on the bill, Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner would not reveal his legislative strategy. “I cannot comment on legislation that has not yet even been written,” he said. “That being said, if a lobbyist tells us to pass a law, who are we to say no?”