Ninety Percent of Syria Without Internet, Other Ten Percent Report Faster Download Speeds

DAMASCUS, Syria — After continued conflict between government forces and freedom fighters, 90 percent of Syrians are without phone or internet connections, while the other 10 percent report blazing fast download speeds.

While broadband speeds have historically been a hot topic in the Middle East, analysts suspect that the increased connectivity for a minority of the population will have a significant impact for both sides on the Syrian conflict.

“I was angry. I wanted change. I wanted a faster internet connection,” an ex-freedom fighter told Newslo. “Now that I have one, I can use Facebook and Twitter to express my feelings, instead of my AK47”.

Government forces are also showing an increase in desertion following the selective boost in internet service. As many as 1,200 have defected from both sides since Saturday, and sources confirm that regime technicians and freedom fighters have been spotted working together, scrambling to restore internet connections.

In a confidential interview, Bashar al-Assad, current president of Syria, admitted,

“We have no concerns about the 90 percent who have no internet. They will fight because they have nothing better to do. But now, with the fast access to American pornography and the new season of The Walking Dead, this is just something that we cannot compete with.”

Although the outcome or end of the Syrian conflict remains uncertain, supporters on both sides agree that the internet issue must be addressed before any action can be taken to reunite the country.