RALEIGH, N.C. — A brave new world will dawn on North Carolina this Monday as the state boldly secedes from the Federal Emergency Unemployment program, thus empowering its long-time unemployed to make their own way in life. NC lawmakers and GOP Governor Pat McCrory are snipping the state’s apron strings by cutting state unemployment benefits and thus disqualifying state residents from federal payments – a loving shove out of the parental nest towards the jagged rocks of financial independence that lie bellow.

Until recently, North Carolina had the dubious honour of holding the 5th highest place in national unemployment figures, a ranking that is sure to plummet as 170,000 recipients of federal benefits will cease to be held back from realizing their true potential. State Rep. Julia Howard (R-Realtor) had the following words of encouragement for the newly minted “job-ready” North-Carolinians, urging them not to be to picky about the positions they choose to assume:

“It may not be the job that you want or your career for the rest of your life. But take a job, get back into the job market.” Howard went on to say that being a state representative isn’t her dream job either – just something to pay the bills until the real estate market picks up again.

The North Carolina Chamber, the state’s top business lobby and the brains behind the reform, has assured the public that plenty of new jobs will be created by an influx of wealthy industrialists. According to the chamber, businesses will flock to North Carolina to take advantage of the competitive labor market in order to realize their railway or skyscraper building aspirations.

“Just get a job? Brilliant!” exclaimed Lee Creighton Ph.D., of Cary, who has been unemployed since October, and is obviously buoyed by the recent turn of events. “Why didn’t I think of that before?”