FARGO, N.D. – Republican Gov. Jack Dalrymple of North Dakota made waves last week when he urged all homosexuals within the state’s borders to move to its southerly neighbor.
“Being that South Dakota’s citizens are suddenly showing signs of a pro-gay agenda, I figure they’d welcome our gays with open arms,” said Dalrymple, referring to the recent challenge of a 2006 constitutional amendment in South Dakota that bans gay marriage and refuses to recognize same-sex marriages conducted in other states.
“I never cared much for South Dakota to begin with,” continued Dalrymple. “They’ve always been a little too smug for my taste, especially with that gaudy Mount Rushmore. Now they’re suddenly self-righteous, too, throwing this progressive mumbo-jumbo about gay rights in our faces? I think South Dakota and gays are a match made in heaven. Please, take them off our hands.”
The South Dakota lawsuit, which prompted Dalrymple’s comments, officially leaves North Dakota as the nation’s only state where same-sex wedding prohibitions stand unchallenged.
“I’ll tell you this. The people of North Dakota will never stoop to the level of challenging the holy sanctity of heterosexual marriage,” continued Dalrymple. “It’s a mockery what they’re doing, which is about par for the course when it comes to the lesser of the Dakotas.”
If the South Dakota challenge proves successful, the state would become the 20th state to permit gay marriage, with Oregon and Pennsylvania being the two most recent ones to strike down similar bans.
“Even more states to welcome our gays,” continued Dalrymple. “The more I think about it, the more I realize that all these silly legal challenges might be a blessing, after all.”