PYONGYANG, North Korea—Just a month after North Korea asserted its nuclear dominance over itself, its supreme leader, Kim Jong Un, is now aiming to hit the United States where the sun doesn’t shine. His first innovation in intimidation: the green screens in front of which weather forecasters stand.
“At first we were scared of American green-screen technology because it appeared that their weathermen were all-powerful druids that could transport themselves into a state of omnipotence over the world and control its weather with a wave a hand, but now we know better,” says the supreme leader. The fact that literally every country has had this technology for several decades doesn’t seem to perturb him.
“We realize that we are, like, 56 years behind with this technology, but having our weathermen be able to physically point out cold fronts and say they are ‘sweeping over the mid-west’ is only the beginning of the severe weaponization of our great nation,” said a Kim promised while standing in front of the forecast scattered showers over Ft. Wayne, Ind.
This modernization of the country’s weather channels comes after the North Korean leader made claims that the country has been facing “too many incorrect weather forecasts” and that this may be a reason that two-thirds of the country’s 24 million people are experiencing an intense food shortage. Kim believes that industries, such as fishing and farming, are unprepared for approaching weather. The country is currently facing its worst drought in over 30 years.
Now that apparently the pesky hunger problem has been solved by this new weather forecasting technology, Kim believes things are looking up for the country with one of the worst human rights records in the world.
“Look! Even the sun is happy!” the young leader shouted while pointing to an anthropomorphized sun smiling over the city of Pyongyang on the green screen, according to reports smuggled out of the country. “Look, look! He’s wearing sunglasses because he is a really chill kind of sun. A sun wearing sunglasses like that wouldn’t shine over a starving dystopian wasteland of a country, now would it? My father wore sunglasses like that, and he was a pretty chill dude!”