PYONGYANG — Just days after their test of a nuclear bomb drew harsh words and condemnation from allies and perceived enemies alike, North Korea announced that the rouge nation had, in fact, engaged the nations of the world in a global war and emerged victorious.
“The so-called powers of the West lie in ruins,” said an unidentified North Korean spokesman. “They dared to challenge our might and paid the price for their foolishness. We have graciously accepted unconditional surrender from every nation except for South Korea, whose land we literally removed from the Earth in order to create new coastal real estate within our borders.”
According to Pyongyang, World War III lasted all of 36 hours, with North Korea subduing the armies of the world with a rain of nuclear fire while simultaneously protecting their own people from retaliation through the use of a “very big shield.”
The only nations spared were longtime ally China, sometime ally Iran, and island nation of Tuvalu. “They will be submerged by Global Warming soon anyway,” explained the North Korean source. “We did not feel the need to waste a bomb on them.”
International reaction to the news that North Korea had conquered the world was mixed, with officials from Iran praising North Korea for “pretending to rid the world of so many infidels” and officials from the United States, Great Britain, India, Japan, South Korea, China, Australia, France, Israel, Russia, Egypt, Germany, Brazil, and 103 other nations condemning the attack.
“This act of imaginary aggression is unacceptable,” said UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon. “The fact that none of the nations reportedly destroyed are aware of any attack is secondary to the fact that claiming to have perpetrated mass genocide on a global scale goes against everything the United Nations stands for.”
According to the North Korean spokesman, now that his dreams of global dominance have been realized by turning 93% of the Earth’s land mass into a radioactive inferno, North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un intends to turn his attention back to his first love- poetry.