PYONGYANG — In a stunning move, the government of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (commonly known as North Korea) announced today that the entire year of 1953 never happened.
“The terrorists of the West have for too long pulled the wool over the eyes of the world,” said an unnamed North Korean foreign ministry spokesman. “Today we announce the truth. 1953 was a figment of your imagination. It is time to wake up from the nightmare.”
According to the spokesman, the evidence that 1953 never happened has always been out in plain site, and that it was only through threat of force that the United States convinced the rest of humanity that it had ever occurred. “Look at the facts. American Baseball’s World Series in 1953 was simply a replay of the year before with the New York Yankees defeating the Brooklyn Dodgers. Marilyn Monroe never posed nude for Playboy. And does anyone honestly believe The Greatest Show on Earth could possibly defeat High Noon for Best Picture? You have all been so blind.”
Then, under his breath, he added, “And the Korean War never ended… in case you were wondering.
Victoria Nuland, Spokesperson for the U.S. Department of State, brushed off North Korea’s accusation as lunacy. “Pierce Brosnan, Rick Moranis, Tim Allen, John Malkovich, Kim Basinger, the guy from Monk. All born in 1953,” she said. “Do they want us to believe these people don’t exist? That’s ridiculous. Well, aside from Basinger.”
Long-time Korean analyst Aidan Foster-Carter warned that North Korea’s likening of 1953 to the ‘it was only a dream’ season of Dallas may forever remain an enigma. “[North Korean Supreme Leader] Kim Jong-un is flexing his muscles and showing the world what he does and doesn’t like,” he said. “Why did he pick 1953? Maybe he hates Waiting for Godot [first performed on January 5, 1953], maybe he thinks the Rosenbergs deserved clemency, maybe he’s planning on threatening the world with polio and he doesn’t want Salk’s vaccine to get in the way. We may never know.”
Renowned Korean War historian and Professor of history at East China Normal University Shen Zhihua noted one more possibility for Kim Jong-un’s odd decree: “The armistice agreement ending the Korean War was signed in 1953,” he recalled. “Technically, without that agreement, the war never ends, which means North Korea could invade South Korea at a moment’s notice.”
“But that’s probably just a coincidence,” he added. “I’m pretty sure it’s the nude Marilyn thing.”