North Korea Expands Photoshop Branch of Military

PYONGYANG — The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea has ordered the increased production of poorly-doctored images grossly exaggerating the country’s actual military strength, once again riling international tensions.

The move comes mere days after Kim Jong-un ordered increased artillery production, apparently realizing that North Korea should at least pretend to have the resources necessary to back up its repeated threats to the safety of South Korea, Japan and the United States. Since the process will take at least several months, North Korea intends to buy time by releasing additional clearly-“photo shopped” images of enormous armies and hovercrafts outfitted with nuclear weaponry.

United States military officials were initially concerned when North Korea began releasing images of  large aircraft with enough firepower to level a small city. Upon closer inspection, however, the images were determined to be stills from the movie Independence Day.

Photo shopping has been the primary historical strength of the North Korean military. Farce and optical illusions have also been used to convince the outside world of its political and economic stability. In fact, Kijongdong, a village along the nation’s border with South Korea, was found to be entirely uninhabited. Its large, brightly painted buildings were determined to be mere shells, lacking windows or even interior rooms.

“The arrogant sheep do not pay proper respect to our glorious republic, likening our military threats to a diplomatic game of ‘ding-dong-ditch,'” said an anchor on one of North Korea’s state-controlled news programs. “But one day they will answer the door and tremble with regretful fear when they discover a flaming bag of dog poop roosts upon their steps.”

“Our military is dog poop,” the anchor concluded.