North Korean Missile Heads Off Course, Hits Carnival Cruise Ship

SAN FRANSICO, Calif. – Things just aren’t looking up for Carnival Cruise Lines. After the engine failures that immobilized both the Triumph and the Legend, and the dock failure accident in which Carnival Triumph was set adrift into the Gulf of Mexico, Carnival Cruise Lines is now reporting that another ship, the Miracle, has been utterly destroyed by North Korea.

“We believe that the Carnival Miracle, an Alaskan tour line and cruise ship, was sunk by a non-nuclear North Korean anti-ship missile earlier today,” said John Heald, the senior cruise director for Carnival Cruises. “Our condolences go out to the families of those who were aboard the ship at the time of the incident.”

“However, this act of aggression against Carnival Cruise Lines will not go unanswered,” Heald continued. “We will marshal every available ship, captain and on-board services staff member that Carnival can muster, and strike back with a full force military assault on North Korea. It’s the only proper retribution for this heinous crime.”

Heald’s war cry was met with thunderous applause, as Carnival employees and patrons alike called for blood.

North Korean state media initially downplayed claims that the strike on the Miracle was intentional, and only a routine live-fire test. However, the DPRK has now embraced the idea that one of the country’s missiles has sunk a ship as large as the Miracle. North Korea has stirred up trouble on the seas in the past, sinking the ROKS Cheonan, a South Korean warship, with a submarine fired missile.

“The large boat people threaten us with war; they wish for blood,” screamed Kim Jong Un on state television. “We have sunk one of their imperialistic floating houses. We will do so again!”

On the heels of Carnival’s threat of a declaration of war against North Korea, some skeptics have criticized the company’s decision, calling the sinking of the Miracle a ‘false flag’ operation, meant to stir up attention and publicity for Carnival.

“Our early warning detection systems in Japan and Guam did not detect a missile launch of any kind originating from North Korea,” said Brigadier General John W. Doucette, the head of the USAF’s 36th Wing in Guam. “Knowing Carnival Cruises, the ship probably sank because they hit an iceberg, or ten.”

“With tensions as high as they are, I don’t think that Carnival should be playing around like this,” Doucette continued. “This could destabilize the entire region. If anything, this news will distract people from the fact their other cruise ships are either on the verge of sinking, or floating biological hazards.”