NRA Announces School Safety Measures, Proposes Carrying Permits for Elementary School Students

WASHINGTON — A new piece of possible legislation drafted by former Representative Asa Hutchison and co-authored by Wayne LaPierre seeks to prevent future school shootings by arming the nation’s children. The “NRA National School Shield Initiative,” would, among other safety measures, place armed guards in all schools and offer principals an online test that would suggest security measures for their particular schools.

Among the other recommendations is an exam that would include a set of mental and physical tests to determine which elementary school students should be allowed to carry guns in school.  The exam would be challenging enough to weed out the lesser children, yet tailored to each age group so as not to promote low self-esteem among some of the younger students seeking handgun licenses.

“The students themselves are really the first line of defense,” NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre said at a press conference.

He went on to say that the exam for students in grades one through five would be “extremely rigorous” and that only those who passed the test with a 97% and above would be given the right to bear arms in school.

“We’re not going to have handguns in every knapsack in every hallway—just those students who prove themselves,” added Hutchinson.

For example, the test for first graders wishing to carry a gun throughout the school day would include a rigorous timed block-building exercise, while third graders would be forced to prove their eligibility by performing long division.

Although Hutchinson has stated that he personally agrees with the President and those advocating for the expansion of mandatory background checks to private gun sellers, which are currently under no legal obligation to conduct background checks on customers, he said that this was not the focus of the school safety task force.

Yet a pre-screening process will ensure that students with backgrounds indicating possible mental instability will not be considered. “No students of divorced families will be allowed to take the test.  We just can’t take that risk,” LaPierre said.  “Unless they prove that they have adapted exceptionally well.  For those children we believe might still deserve the right to carry a gun despite that they come from broken homes, we will put them in a room of bean bag chairs and make them watch The Lion King.  If they cry when Mufasa dies, they will be allowed to move on in the online examination process.”

When asked to comment on the NRA’s proposal, President Obama looked at the ground thoughtfully, shook his head, made to say something, and then proceeded shaking his head while looking at the ground.

Show CommentsClose Comments

16 Comments

  • Avatar of Jeanine Slamp Hagadey
    Jeanine Slamp Hagadey
    Posted April 12, 2013 at 12:49 pm 0Likes

    I hate the NRA, and I wouldn’t sleep with LaPierre with another’s vagutz

  • Avatar of Teddi Stearns
    Teddi Stearns
    Posted April 12, 2013 at 12:51 pm 0Likes

    Is this an Onion article…this has to be a joke article

    • Avatar of Trolly McSpammer
      Trolly McSpammer
      Posted April 12, 2013 at 1:14 pm 0Likes

      no

  • Avatar of Steven Burkhardt
    Steven Burkhardt
    Posted April 12, 2013 at 12:53 pm 0Likes

    Satire, correct?

    • Avatar of Trolly McSpammer
      Trolly McSpammer
      Posted April 12, 2013 at 1:13 pm 0Likes

      nope

    • Avatar of John
      John
      Posted May 11, 2013 at 5:50 am 0Likes

      Of course its satire, its a satire page, just like the onion. The people who believe this are total idiots! I cant believe how stupid and gullible liberals are!

  • Avatar of Bill Ontario
    Bill Ontario
    Posted April 12, 2013 at 12:58 pm 0Likes

    LOL stupid muddaphuckers

  • Avatar of Bill Ontario
    Bill Ontario
    Posted April 12, 2013 at 12:59 pm 0Likes

    🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

  • Avatar of Bill Ontario
    Bill Ontario
    Posted April 12, 2013 at 1:00 pm 0Likes

    Phuck the NRA Doochebags

  • Avatar of Roberta King
    Roberta King
    Posted April 12, 2013 at 1:17 pm 0Likes

    Well, isn’t that part of every school’s required list at the beginning of school….. paper, pencils, semi-automatic machine gun, 500 rounds of ammo????

  • Avatar of Trolly McSpammer
    Trolly McSpammer
    Posted April 12, 2013 at 1:20 pm 0Likes

    Balls and Penis

  • Avatar of Trolly McSpammer
    Trolly McSpammer
    Posted April 12, 2013 at 1:25 pm 0Likes

    They see me trollin…they hatin

  • Avatar of Dave Kruse
    Dave Kruse
    Posted April 12, 2013 at 2:46 pm 0Likes

    The NRA and the tea party are insane! What could possibly go wrong?!

  • Avatar of John Nice
    John Nice
    Posted April 12, 2013 at 5:19 pm 0Likes

    NRA plus *anyone* who supports them are just crazy- makes me sad to call myself American- I believe things will change in time

  • Avatar of John Kline
    John Kline
    Posted May 6, 2013 at 2:20 pm 0Likes

    They have definitely gone beyond crazy. Scary how many people probably agree with this idea.

  • Avatar of johJohn
    johJohn
    Posted May 11, 2013 at 5:52 am 0Likes

    You people are fucking idiots if you believe one word of this article. Its funny, but no way in hell true. The page is a SATIRE page!

Comments are closed.