NRA Announces School Safety Measures, Proposes Carrying Permits for Elementary School Students

WASHINGTON — A new piece of possible legislation drafted by former Representative Asa Hutchison and co-authored by Wayne LaPierre seeks to prevent future school shootings by arming the nation’s children. The “NRA National School Shield Initiative,” would, among other safety measures, place armed guards in all schools and offer principals an online test that would suggest security measures for their particular schools.

Among the other recommendations is an exam that would include a set of mental and physical tests to determine which elementary school students should be allowed to carry guns in school.  The exam would be challenging enough to weed out the lesser children, yet tailored to each age group so as not to promote low self-esteem among some of the younger students seeking handgun licenses.

“The students themselves are really the first line of defense,” NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre said at a press conference.

He went on to say that the exam for students in grades one through five would be “extremely rigorous” and that only those who passed the test with a 97% and above would be given the right to bear arms in school.

“We’re not going to have handguns in every knapsack in every hallway—just those students who prove themselves,” added Hutchinson.

For example, the test for first graders wishing to carry a gun throughout the school day would include a rigorous timed block-building exercise, while third graders would be forced to prove their eligibility by performing long division.

Although Hutchinson has stated that he personally agrees with the President and those advocating for the expansion of mandatory background checks to private gun sellers, which are currently under no legal obligation to conduct background checks on customers, he said that this was not the focus of the school safety task force.

Yet a pre-screening process will ensure that students with backgrounds indicating possible mental instability will not be considered. “No students of divorced families will be allowed to take the test.  We just can’t take that risk,” LaPierre said.  “Unless they prove that they have adapted exceptionally well.  For those children we believe might still deserve the right to carry a gun despite that they come from broken homes, we will put them in a room of bean bag chairs and make them watch The Lion King.  If they cry when Mufasa dies, they will be allowed to move on in the online examination process.”

When asked to comment on the NRA’s proposal, President Obama looked at the ground thoughtfully, shook his head, made to say something, and then proceeded shaking his head while looking at the ground.