LOS ANGELES – After a hugely successful one-day gun buyback event in Los Angeles saw over 2,000 firearms – including 75 assault weapons and two rocket launchers – being returned in exchange for gift cards, the National Rifle Association sought to further its own cause by giving away hundreds of assault rifles with no restrictions or background checks.
“It’s insanity to be giving away taxpayer money in exchange for two empty fiberglass tubes and over 2,000 machines designed specifically to murder human beings en masse as quickly and conveniently as possible,” said Wayne LaPierre, Executive Vice President of the NRA, during the giveaway announcement. “It’s time for our organization to empty its coffers and make our communities safer the one way those hippie bureaucrats don’t have the stones to: by giving away assault rifles to hundreds of total strangers of all ages, with no limitations or background checks!”
LaPierre later thanked the NRA’s members for their financial donations, and congratulated volunteers for disseminating the weapons at participating Walmarts, community centers, and sometimes just by leaving them on the sidewalk.
“In just a few hours, we’ve distributed nearly one thousand firearms to responsible individuals in parks, playgrounds, and at the doorsteps of various places of worship,” said LaPierre to thunderous applause, “And we did it all with zero background checks. After all, is there a background check on free speech? Obviously not, because I am up here day in and day out, advocating the super dangerous and totally disproportional armament of all citizens!”
LaPierre reportedly intended to announce a raffle of two thousand live grenades, but had to cut his speech short when a firefight broke out among the audience, critically injuring at least 17 people.