NRA: Crazed Shooters Will Eventually Tire Themselves Out

BROOKFIELD, Wis. — In the wake of tragic shootings in Colorado and Wisconsin there’s been a lot of talk about the need to pass new gun control laws, particularly those meant to restrict private citizens from possessing automatic weapons, high capacity magazines, and surface-to-air missiles. But the National Rifle Association (NRA) denies that restricting firearms ownership is the solution. Instead, the pro-gun lobby recommends that America’s crazed shooters just need to tire themselves out.

“What we’re dealing with here is a classic murder tantrum,” says psychologist and NRA spokesman Ken McKay. “You can deter, ban, and background check till you’re red in the face, but the only real solution is to sit back and wait for our deranged shooters to get tuckered out.”

This technique, known as “Ferberizing” or “doing nothing,” has been used extensively in the realm of child psychology as a tool to regulate infant sleep cycles and to wean newborns off breast-feeding. It remains untested as a method of dealing with adults suffering from dangerous sociopathic tendencies.

“Sure, we could ban military-grade assault rifles and hundred-round drum clips,” says NRA President David Keene. “But then who would the real victims be? Hard working Americans like you and me. Granted, not the victims of shooting sprees, but victims of something much worse—not being able to hunt deer with rocket-propelled grenades. We’d be alive, but at what cost?”

The NRA acknowledges there will be some difficulty in the transition. “But if we change even one law,” warns Keene, “we might actually learn something.”

Supporters of the NRA are out in force to back the group’s proposal.

“When my dog is acting out, chewing on my loafers or getting on the furniture,” says Colorado gun store owner Gus Davies, “I don’t restrict his constitutional rights. I take him to the dog park and let him go nuts.” Davies suggests doing the same with our mass killers. “In fact,” says Davies, “It’s all Obama’s anti-gun laws that are making things worse. I say the crazier you are, the easier it should be to come into the range and blast off a few hundred rounds.”

Conservatives also insist now is not the time for a conversation about gun control. “It would be political opportunism at its worst to use the endless chain of mass shootings to suggest our gun policy may be failing us,” alleges Fox News host Sean Hannity.

But according to experts, this conversation will never be appropriate, as the nation is never more than six days from its next mass shooting.

“After a string of tragedies like this, what’s most important is that we don’t change anything substantial in the way this country deals with its guns,” says Keene. “If we tighten regulation on gun ownership by the mentally ill or potentially dangerous, then don’t the terrorists win?”