NRA Demands Second Amendment Protections for Nuclear Weapons

WASHINGTON — Frustrated by what they perceive as continued attacks on their constitutional rights, the NRA and gun enthusiasts used Gun Appreciation Day rallies to call for legislation that would guarantee Second Amendment protections for the possession of all weapons, be they traditional firearms or nuclear warheads.

“Obama thinks that a nuclear arsenal is just fine and dandy when it comes to defending his precious blue states against North Korea and Iran, but somehow the bomb is not good enough for me to protect my family and my fleet of tow trucks? The president is an elitist hypocrite,” said NRA member Darrell Gordon at an event in Wichita, KS.

At a rally in Virginia, NRA Vice-President Wayne LaPierre told attendees, “Thomas Jefferson said the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots, and also occasionally with nuclear fallout.”

“The US Armed Forces are the strongest military power the world has ever known,” he continued. “Trying to uphold our constitutionally protected liberties against such an overwhelming force with a simple Bushmaster would be as futile as using the puny muskets of our forefathers. This is why the Constitution guarantees American citizens the right to keep and bear a nuclear stockpile of their very own; for self-defense, as well as for recreational and hunting purposes.”

Gun control advocates say American civilians have no justifiable need for nuclear weapons. However, some members of Congress say they might consider the proposal if it comes with background checks to help keep the weapons of mass destruction out of the hands of those with a criminal record.

A democratic representative from a largely pro-gun district would speak about the issue only under the condition of anonymity: “I think this is a terrible idea, but I barely won my last election, and I just don’t have the political capital to fight the NRA. If they can agree to the background checks, that should keep liberal constituents off my back, at least until the next tragedy. Frankly, I just want to eke out a couple more years at this shitty job, and then retire and live off my fat ass pension.”