NRA: ‘Victims of Gun Violence Only Upset Because They Got Shot’

WASHINGTON — In the wake of last week’s defeat of a bipartisan, widely popular gun regulation bill, NRA Vice President Wayne LaPierre released a statement claiming that the only reason gun control advocates tried to pass tougher gun laws was because either they or someone they love had been a victim of gun violence, or because they had an aversion to seeing innocent people die.

“These people want you to be afraid,” said LaPierre. “Afraid of being killed, afraid of a friend or family member being murdered or maimed, afraid of turning on the TV and seeing that young children have had their lives instantly snuffed out at random. Today, the American people can rest assured that the fear mongers have not won.”

At the Capitol, a minority of senators celebrated their victory over the proposal to curb a phenomenon that is responsible for nearly 32,000 deaths in the US alone each year. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) explained his ‘Nay’ vote, telling reporters: “Though this bill explicitly said that there shall never be a registry of gun owners in this country, and that background checks would only flag those with a history of mental illness or felonious activity—it is clear that the proposal only served the special interests behind it. Specifically, people who themselves have been shot, know a loved one who has been shot, or would rather not one day be shot.”

“Remember, guns don’t kill people,” he added. “They just do what they are specifically and uniquely designed to do”.

Reeling from the vote, the Brady Center for Gun Violence Chairwoman Sarah Brady conceded defeat and confessed that her tireless efforts to reduce gun violence were an assault on liberty. “It’s all true,” said a tearful Brady after reading LaPierre’s statement. “The whole reason why I started my sensible campaign to curb gun violence was because the man I married and raised a family with had part of his brain destroyed by an armed maniac. For that selfish reason alone, I tried to curb every American’s God-given rights to live in a society awash in weaponry that by its very existence increases the likelihood someone you know and love will suffer a violent death or severe injury. I am so ashamed. Thank you, Wayne LaPierre, for showing me the error of my ways.”

A new Quinnipiac University poll shows that while 91% of all Americans support universal background checks on all firearm sales, 100% of responders do not wish to become the next victim of gun violence.

Another study showed that 97% of those polled wished that the next time LaPierre made a public statement, he would literally shoot his mouth off. The remaining 3% were undecided.