FAIRFAX, Va. — Local sources have confirmed that the National Rifle Association’s vice president, Wayne LaPierre, has been sitting up all night in his unlocked Virginia house waiting for an intruder to break in so he can blast him to pieces with his machine gun.
“I have a right to protect my home and property,” said LaPierre in a statement. “Plus I’d love some action. Seriously, somebody please invade my home. ”
The gun-advocate will continue to slowly puff a cigarette in the darkness while aiming his AK-47 assault rifle at the front door, insisting that the Founding Fathers intended for him to “cap the living shit” out of anyone who tries to make off with his flat screen television.
“I’m waiting,” added LaPierre, who can be seen through the window rocking in a chair with extra magazines of ammunition draped around his neck. Authorities also believe the NRA VP has a six-inch bowie knife duct-taped to his calf.
A vast, intricate system of tripwires and land-mines also surround LaPierre’s sprawling Fairfax residence, including a neon-sign at the end of the driveway that reads “ON VACATION: COME ON IN.” The home boasts five bedrooms, four baths, and a three-car garage that as of press time is still completely open.
“He really loves his guns,” said neighbor Ellen Fishbein, who was fired at multiple times last week for trying to drop off some of LaPierre’s mis-delivered mail. “He just sits there and strokes them.”
LaPierre, who was last seen sporting military fatigues and eating sardines from a can with a Swiss-army knife, is celebrated among legions of paranoid white men for his effective lobbying techniques as well as an impressive stockpile of rocket-propelled grenades. Critics, however, have railed against the LaPierre’s permissive attitude on gun control, and believe that the NRA honcho encourages a right-wing fantasy that has little basis in the day-to-day reality of life.
“He lives in a gated community,” said Moms Against Guns spokeswoman Becky Sullworth. “I don’t know what he thinks is going to happen.”
LaPierre recently made headlines for pushing a bill through Congress that allows registered gun-owners to shoot door-to-door salesmen on sight.