FAIRFAX, Va. – NRA Executive Vice President and outspoken gun-rights advocate Wayne LaPierre died today at age 64, shortly after an unrelated incident in which he ingested two dozen lead bullets in an attempt to “disprove the myth of lead poisoning.” NRA spokesmen say that it was “simply Wayne’s time to go,” and that he is “now up in Heaven, shooting at Obama-shaped targets with Jesus.”
Witnesses say that Mr. LaPierre collapsed shortly after giving a press conference Tuesday morning during which he blasted attempts to halt the manufacture and sale of lead bullets. Mr. LaPierre repeated the NRA’s stance on such efforts—which are aimed at saving the estimated 20 million birds that die each year after ingesting lead bullet fragments—calling them a coordinated assault on “traditional” hunting rights that won’t stop until hunting is banned altogether.
“Lead isn’t even bad for you,” Mr. LaPierre said. “Lead poisoning is an elaborate myth propagated by activist scientists who want to ruin everything in life that’s fun, like shooting guns and licking paint— which happened to be my two favorite childhood pastimes.”
Mr. LaPierre explained that the NRA has launched a new effort called the Hunt for Truth, which they say will “expose the researchers associated with ‘faulty science’ critical of lead ammunition.” The campaign has begun compiling an enemies list comprised of “anti-lead ammunition” organizations and researchers, including the San Diego Zoo and the Center for Biological Diversity.
“These people wail on and on about the dangers of lead,” Mr. LaPierre said. “But it’s all bullshit. And to prove it, I’m now going to swallow two boxes of .38 caliber lead bullets.” Witnesses say that Mr. LaPierre struggled with the first few bullets—taking frequent sips from his glass of water to wash them down—but that by the second box he “seemed to be enjoying it.”
“There,” Mr. LaPierre said after swallowing the twenty-fourth bullet. “I just ingested a shit ton of lead, and I’m perfectly fine. Maybe now this anti-lead conspiracy will move on to something else.”
An NRA spokesman called the press conference a “wild success that effectively exposed the lies” about lead poisoning. The NRA maintains that Mr. LaPierre’s sudden death, just minutes after his demonstration, was “in no way related” to his lead-based lunch. “We stand by our position that lead bullets are 100% nontoxic,” the spokesman said. “Wayne was simply ready to transition to the next world. Godspeed, Wayne.”
Mr. LaPierre is survived by two brothers, a dog, and “Karen,” the AR-15 assault rifle to which LaPierre was legally married in the state of Kentucky.